It’s not OSU, but this is a big game. And like any big game, a Michigan tailgate is full of students who are going to tailgate way too hard. On top of all that, it’s a night game, which means there’s an extra seven hours of tailgating than we’re used to. Brace yourselves folks, people will get lost along the way, but with this guide, you may not:
5.) Start really early, get hospitalized early, get out in time to tailgate again:
We all know people will still start drinking super early in the morning, so why not accept your fate, pass out around noon, get out of the hospital around 5 p.m., and get back out there? What’s stopping you—an $800 ambulance bill? Sure, that’s a lot of money, but is it really worth missing out the biggest home game of the year?
4.) You live on North and the buses won’t get you to Central in time, so no worries:
Alright wide-eyed freshman stuck in the hell that is Baits—everyone understands your struggle, because everyone was once in your position (#5thSan4Life). You shouldn’t worry about dying during the tailgates since you’ll only be able to get down to Central after about 3 p.m., and you should be able to survive four hours of drinking. If not, it’s fine, your liver will be stronger for it and you have years ahead of you to learn.
3.) Sneak into an Adult Tailgate™ and steal some food:
This is more difficult since you need to be able to stumble all the way to the golf course, but it’s well worth it. Few things are worth as much as free food, and getting a bunch of hot dogs in your stomach should keep everything else from coming up. Stay away from anything that could be undercooked though because that will want to come up. Don’t worry about finding food—Michigan has the largest alumni network in the world, you know.
2.) Don’t criticize each other, don’t talk about each other, be sure to ENCOURAGE each other:
Bo Schembechler’s words are as true as they ever have been, but most people don’t know that they’re actually about drinking. Imagine you’re sitting there trying to down your eighth Natty and some ass starts making fun of you for drinking literal piss. Now, imagine that you’re sitting there trying to down your eighth Natty and someone starts encouraging you. Who would you rather drink with? Some asshole, or a drunk girl in the bathroom? Remember that your actions impact other people. Be someone else’s drunk bathroom girl.
1.) Sleep with a freshman the night before the game, get a meal swipe the morning after:
An old piece of advice, but a good one. They’ll feel cool because they fucked an upperclassman, you’ll feel better because you’ll get some tritaters, which is objectively the best type of tater. You can get coffee, pancakes, and even take a bagel when you leave. Bonus points if you bring a Tupperware into the dining hall and take a bunch of food with you to your tailgate.
In all seriousness, be careful. Remember to eat six loaves of bread before you start and have 16 liters of water for at least every other drink you take.
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