The 7 Hells of Milford, Michigan

author-pic at University of Michigan  

From Milford Road to M-59, you are enraptured by an interesting land of interesting things– some good and some definitely bad. If you’ve ever lived in Milford, you will certainly recognize these seven things that create this hell-defined town.

7.) Milford Cinema:

Milford Cinema is simply a single show theatre with chairs that aren’t even tall enough to support your head. The sound and volume are equivalent to a walkie talkie from the late 90s, and the amount of options for snacks is abysmal. You know it’s bad when it’s hidden at the end of a plaza where barely anyone can see it.

6.) The bike trails:

Everybody loves a great bike trail, but not one that happens to be located next to a wastewater plant. It’s hard to appreciate the beauty of riding your bike over a bridge atop of a lake when you can only sense the smell of rotten eggs, ammonia, and garlic.

5.) The “business” off of North Main Street and Canal:

This establishment might as well get demolished because they simply can’t get their shit together. It was a coney island that immediately went out of business due to poor management. After that it was turned into a Mediterranean grill, which was also shut down due to the offending of many with nasty food and ridiculous service. Nothing good seems to rise out of this cursed open lot.

4.) Beyond the trees of Central Park:

Sure the scenery is lovely and is a solid smoke spot but dear God, the amount of underage and premarital fornication that occurs within the small forest next to the playground is just unsanitary. Try strolling through the dirt trails and not catch an STD within the air.

3.) The amount of dirt roads:

No matter where you’re trying to go in Milford, you’re bound to take a dirt road that has potential to throw you off track and down to the home of a meth dealer. Any turn could lead you to a secluded area in the middle of nowhere and leave you stranded. Not to mention, the signal in the area is just as bad. It’ll suck you up and keep you there permanently if you aren’t careful.

2.) The Comeback Inn:

This place is where the rich people of Milford thrive. Here, you’ll find the most annoyingly drunk parents you may have ever seen. On Tuesday nights, the place looks like a huge swingers party with adults tailgating outside in the parking lots. While this may sound entertaining, you may become overwhelmed from this cult of drunks with deep pockets.

1.) Prestwick Village:

The rich neighborhood. This place packs smoking hot moms, cheating dads, spoiled children, and cocky golfers all in one neighborhood. It’s the place you’d love to be in, yet the immorality within it will eat you alive. Don’t be fooled by the paradise-like atmosphere, or you’ll probably become possessed by some rich-kid demon.

While these seven hells certainly are scary, we all know that Milford just wouldn’t be the same without them.

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