A Foolproof Guide to Dominating the Apartment

author-pic at University of Michigan  

Congratulations! You finally took your mom’s advice and talked to people, and now you’re living with some of your best friends next year! But now that you all live together, the rules have changed. The strong survive while the weak die, so you better get strong fast, and we’re here to help! Here’s a foolproof how-to guide on asserting dominance over the people you’re sharing your crappy apartment with. And of course, they’ll try to resist, but we’ve also provided helpful hints for what to do in those situations.

4.) Every five minutes, turn the TV volume up by one:
Simply make the TV louder and louder until what you want to watch is the only thing that can be heard in the entire building. This works best when marathoning a show, but that’s no problem for you, you lazy slob. It will annoy your roommates, and in their pitiful attempts to stop you, they’ll try to turn down the volume, only for you to turn it back up. All you have to do to secure dominance is to keep possession of the remote. It’s scientifically proven that people will look for the remote for at least 30 minutes before changing the volume manually, so you have plenty of time.

3.) Chain the door whenever anyone leaves. When they come back, make a big deal about having to open it:
The best way to control people is to limit where they can go. By causing a ruckus every time they come back from whatever it is normal people do, they’ll eventually decide it’s just easier to stay home instead of dealing with you and another one of your “goddamn rants about something that’s completely your fault.” You can just not undo the chain and blame the TV being too loud, leaving them to rot in the hallway. It also makes them want to leave, but now they can’t. One of the best parts of this technique is that the only way to really stop you from doing it is to rip off the chain. However, you can just call up the landlord to put in a new one and charge your roommate for thinking they could ever be more dominant than you.

2.) Leave the bathroom door open:
This one sounds risky, but is actually very easy to pull off. Just leave the door open when you’re releasing the floodwaters or taking a poop. Bonus points for pooping with your shirt off. This works great in combination with the previous two techniques as the TV/door chain combo keeps them in, while leaving the bathroom door open forces them out. You’ve successfully trapped them in an incredibly uncomfortable situation that will wear on their already tattered minds. And what are they going to do, shut the door?

1.) Put framed pictures of yourself all around the apartment:
This one can be tricky since it requires you to do the previous three and make sure that your roommates are ready to crack. At this point your roommates should be on the verge of a psychotic break. You need to make sure you have an alibi. Exams work great in this situation, since you were going to fail anyway just take a zero and go buy some frames. Make sure you made a big deal about your exam so they all know you should be gone, and start putting up pictures. Their minds will have withered into a jelly at this point, so just introduce the idea that you are a prophet sent from God to rule the apartment. If everything works out right, they will accept you as their savior.

Congratulations, you have assumed control of your apartment! Way to Machiavelli your way to the top. Now you have to power to make people, I don’t know, make you EasyMac or something. But don’t let it go to your head!