Ann Arbor Residents Sad that Week of No Lines is Over
ANN ARBOR – With the return of Michigan students to campus, many Ann Arbor residents are upset that their week of no lines is over. Said Jerry Stackhouse, who has lived in Ann Arbor for 13 years, “I love it when the students are out of town. And this early break is always just a good reminder that Spring is on its way. They should name it something like that. ‘Spring is coming in a few weeks break’. Yeah, I think that could work.”
The biggest change is surprisingly in the Main Street area. Students usually do not venture that far away from campus unless their parents are in town or they really want to get laid after a date. With the students gone, many people from the surrounding area are coming into town, since they think it will be less crowded. “Jokes on them,” says Karl Malone, franchise owner of Cherry Republic. “These saps all come downtown thinking it’ll be empty, but guess what? They’re all here! It’s not empty at all! And they all come in and buy weird cherry shit and give me money. Honestly, I’d say it’s the best time of the year.”
Lew Alcindor, local dog walker, is also upset that students are returning. “I used to be able to get through all my dogs in two hours. No students to constantly stop me wanting to pet the dogs, it’s great. But now that the kids are back, it takes a solid four hours. They’ve literally doubled the time it takes to walk the dogs. Damn kids wanting to play with animals that are biologically programmed to want to play.”
Even University administrators are mourning their loss. Christopher Paul, who works in Student Financial Services, was having a great week off. “It was so nice. I had a whole week of not having to tell these idiots that everything is on Wolverine Access. I got to spend time with my own kids, and I didn’t have to answer any questions about why they ran over their four allotted printing pages. God, what a week it was.”
However, some people are happy that students are returning. Chuck Testa, who works the 10pm to 6am shift at Fleetwood Diner, has been bored at work. “You know, you think you won’t miss all the college kids coming in high as shit and taking half an hour to order, but you do. They make it all worth it. You give some kid a joint and a plate of my Hippie Hash, and you’ve seen true happiness. I’m glad they’re coming back. Their smiles are what get me through my shift.”
How did you spend your ‘Spring is coming in a few weeks’ break? Let us know on Twitter @BlackSheep_UM!
WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.