A Guide to Asserting Dominance in Your New Classes at U of M

author-pic at University of Michigan  

With the start of a new school year comes many uncertainties about classmates, professors, and how hungover you can be in your Friday morning discussion without vomiting. But, with the help of these five tricks, the question of who will run shit can become a thing of the past. But be warned; wielding such great power is not for the weak of heart.

5.) Sit at the prof’s desk:
The key to establishing dominance is to immediately crown yourself the alpha. In the animal kingdom, that means eating your way to the top of the food chain. At UMich, that means taking hold of the Professor’s desk and refusing to relinquish your position. So, upon entering Chem 1800, bunker down at the podium and get comfy. Maybe even wear tweed, you know, to look the part.

4.) Crack open a beer:
You need to let your classmates know that you’re a jack-of-all-trades. Not only can you command a classroom with your knowledge and wit, you can do so while buzzed on some warm Natty Light you snagged from Shady’s basement. Up the stakes by bringing an entire 30-rack and refusing to share, even with the professor or the cops that will inevitably be called.

3.) Make a personal syllabus:
Nobody tells you what to do, especially some highly educated, widely published schmuck of an academic. Take a few minutes before the first class to write up your own game plan. Syllabi assignments may include, but are not limited, to: nap time, class trips to Charley’s, Tito’s Tuesdays, or a paint-by-number final.

2.) Click your iClicker 5,000 times:
This lets others know that you are both confident and smart, assuring your place at the top of the class. It is universally understood that Wolverines love the sound of hundreds of iClickers frantically casting their votes. In the olden days, trappers would bring iClickers with them in order to lure wild wolverines to them. To make sure your brainpower is noticed among the rest, continue clicking well past the final call for answers — a sure way to gain admirers.

1.) Hire fake friends:
This step is especially crucial in securing your dominance through social rank. Gather up some of the local teens and hire them to pose as your besties for the semester. In order to be most successful, this tactic must be implemented repetitively. By reminding your classmates that you are fun and likeable, they will learn to fear you and your superior social standing.

Following these tips will ensure your that all your dictatorial dreams will come true, even if that just means you overthrow your meekest GSI. The road to glory may not be easy but, once achieved, is worth every disciplinary meeting Schlissel forced upon you.