Girl Scouts of America Strategically Take Over Ann Arbor
If you attend the University of Michigan, don’t live in Bursley, and aren’t blind then you’ve seen, heard, and been assaulted by groups of 12 year old girls in an array of L.L Bean jackets and Ugg boots selling Girl Scout Cookies outside of Espresso Royale on South U.
The Girl Scouts of Ann Arbor, or perhaps their soccer moms, are really smart. They may be in sixth grade but their business strategies are better than a graduated senior straight out of Ross. These preteens are capitalizing a weak link; they’ve sought out the community that is forgotten among the array of grandparents and neighbors and father’s overweight middle aged colleagues that are normally forced to buy enough Tagalongs to conjure up a case of type 2 diabetes.
What community wants processed, addicting, so bad that they’re good boxes of fattening joy more than over-stressed, over-tired, hungover college kids? Got the munchies? Eat a Tagalong. Get home wasted at 2 a.m.? A sleeve of Thin Mints. Feel like your life is falling apart after that Calc midterm? Eat an entire box of Samoas. Late to your 8 a.m. with no time to find breakfast food? Do-Si-Do’s work just fine. Pretending to be gluten free to lose weight? They made a gluten free cookie. These kids are genius.
It is uncertain whether the Girl Scouts themselves have any idea why the college students are actually buying their cookies. Is it the cute factor? Nope, especially not when they’re screaming “We Accept Venmo” at the top of their lungs. The walk to Walgreens for Oreos actually is just 6 minutes too far.
The girl scouts do not seem to care why they’re selling cookies – because they’re making bank. It is assumed that they can now pay an out-of-staters full 60,000 dollar tuition and board. If you’re trying to figure out how to graduate without 39 years of student debts to pay off, you should quit your job in the dining hall and hit up the girl scouts.
It is uncertain if they go to school anymore, but a lunch aide who prefers to have her name omitted for privacy reasons tells us that half of the girls have been out on extended leave for the last two months for an outbreak of “head lice”. The real question remains: Have these young preteens dropped out to pursue their passions? Like that girl complaining that she’s going to drop out because of Orgo? Should the girl scouts of Ann Arbor be hailed as heroes for selling cookies on the street corners at 11 a.m. when they should be in school?
We were able to get in touch with a troupe mom last week, who says “We park the minivan in front of Pizza House, drop off the cookies by the hundred pound on the corner of South U. and East U. and we brave it. This is the best idea we’ve ever had. I even mark up the price and keep the extra for myself.”
To all the girl scouts, we’re proud of you for making it big, and we hope our contributions to your cookie empire help you beat out Suzy Q and the girls stationed at MSU and you win that fancy girl scout keychain for being #1 seller this year.
WATCH: We hit the streets of Chicago’s St. Patty’s Day Parade to see how woke people were.