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6 Ways to Survive Cuffing SZN in Sub-Zero Temperatures in Ann Arbor

Oh, the weather outside is frightful (literally, you can get frostbite from just stepping outside) and you don’t want to leave your bed. So, you scroll through Instagram for three hours only to realize everyone you know is in a relationship and you don’t know what to do yourself. Since cuffing szn is about the only thing alive and well, and  Netflix and windchill probably isn’t cutting it for you, here are some great options to brave the cold temperatures in Ann Arbor while your friends cuddle up with their significant others.

6.) Move into Garage Bar:
The Garage Bar/Pizza House franchise has more to offer than any aspect of this campus. Pizza House is an extremely reasonable diet for a college student. Garage Bar is a lovely place to meet the next love of your life but also be warm since they have semi-authentic looking fire, allowing you to embrace the fact that you’re “at an outdoor bar” and totally braving the cold.

5.) Hook up with your RA/Building security guard:
The perfect solution to not wanting to go outside is not actually going outside and instead hooking up with the person who requires no braving of the arctic tundra, no parka, and no layers. Since your RA lives down the hall from you, there is absolutely no reason for you to not check when they’re home and get ridiculously easy booty call for you! Although they are your superior in some ways, your Markley RA is not only responsible, but reliable! Here’s to hoping there’s nothing in their contract against that!

4.) Hook up with your Uber driver:
A booty call that will always come straight to your door? Without you having to go anywhere? Set that destination to your heart! Sounds like the actual American dream, a truly inspirational story for all who remain uncuffed this cuffing szn. Since your Uber driver probably has an already warmed up car from driving all night, the cold will barely bother you anyways!

3.) Buy yourself a body pillow:
Use your precious MPrint money this semester and spend the 23 cents on some color printing. Print out a picture of your crush with some HD quality, and glue it onto a body pillow so you can pretend you’re actually cuddling with your crush and not laying alone in your bed devouring your fourth cheesy bread of sylly week while watching The Notebook for the 700th time. How can Noah can write Allie 365 letters, but your crush can’t even answer your text in over three days? It’s fine, you’re totally fine.

2.) Buy a life-size cardboard cutout of The Rock:
The face of masculinity, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson really is the perfect man to have in your room at all times, no questions asked. Dwayne will be there for you during your mental breakdowns over midterms. Dwayne will be there for you when you come and pass out in your jeans (again). Most importantly, Dwayne will be there for you just need somebody to lean on. Get yourself a Rock cutout and turn cuffing szn into the greatest szn of your life.

1.) Stay perpetually drunk the whole semester:
We all know our drunk selves are actually our fun selves, so you’ll be way more likely to get yourself out there if you have like seven tequila shots in you! We also all know that this gives us a great beer blanket, so you’ll be much more inclined to actually go outdoors if everything feels warm to you and you’re simply just loving life!

If these freezing temperatures continue, who’ll care about academics when you’ve got cuffing szn to survive?

 

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