What Your Dorm Decorations Say About You: A Simple Guide

author-pic at University of Michigan  

Dorm decorations are a very important part of your Freshman year. Many people start planning how to decorate months before they get to college, which in our opinion is a huge mistake. That’s why we have created a guide to let you know what message you’re sending out to all your visitors when you make your room a certain way.

1.) Pictures of friends:
Having pictures of friends on your wall is pretty standard, especially for girls. Who doesn’t love a little nostalgia? However, if you fill your wall up with pictures from prom, graduation, and senior spring break you are screaming, “I PEAKED IN HIGH SCHOOL.” You may be super confused that no one actually wants to see you attempting, and failing, to take a blowjob shot at Señor Frogs. Save space for doing a keg stand in a maize and blue tutu, a bird’s eye view picture of you and your roommate taking a shot from the ice luge, or the ever-so-classic “I made it to the roof” screenshot of everyone dancing while you stand on the less than sturdy staircase at the Sandlot. Trust me, you will look much cooler.

2.) Bulletin board full of take-out menus:
Oh, but are you a foodie? More often than not the menus tacked up on a wall are for late night study or drunk eats and belong to Pizza House or No Thai. Sure, maybe if you throw in one from Pizza Bobs or Lunch Room, a vegan restaurant downtown, you can consider yourself hipster even though we bet your food Instagram doesn’t even make it to the popular page. What you really need to keep things interesting is an actual item from each restaurant pinned to your wall. That way you remember exactly what you’re getting.

2.) A Fathead of Jim Harbaugh (or a Fathead of any athlete):
Sports are life…or so you may like to pretend. Not only are Fatheads pretty pricy, they also will take up about 75% of the concrete wall space provided in the lovely Mary Markley dorms. But aside from that, it’s also kind of creepy. Do you really want to go to bed staring at a screaming man in khakis? Do you really want to wake up in the crotch of your favorite Michigan football player? More importantly, does your roommate? Just wait until you come home early and walk in on your roommate on the phone with his mom asking how to make tearing a Fathead off a wall look like an accident.

1.) Musical posters:
Let me guess, you either have a poster of the John Lennon Wall or Abbey Road… how original of you.  We know you bought those at the poster sale in the Union!  And nope, not even the Looney Tunes or the cast of Charlie Brown replacing the Beatles makes it original. Nor does the mainstream record player you bought at Urban Outfitters.  And we see right through that poster of Madonna, you hope that one day you befriend her daughter and try to nonchalantly show her your genuine fanhood in hopes of an invitation to family dinner the next time she’s in town. Nice try. If you really want to impress somebody put up the album cover of some undiscovered, troubled musician you found on YouTube and pray they’re the next Justin Bieber.

Whatever you end up deciding to put on your wall, just know that you will be judged. Judged by your RA, by your welcome week friends, by the people who end up in your room drunk ordering Pizza House, by the drunk hookup you justified by saying “it’s college,” and ultimately by your parents when they finally get around to visiting. Get ready to be defensive and own that Fathead. Good luck!

For those about to rush, we salute you: