ANN ARBOR — With classes officially over and finals week beginning, reports have surfaced from the University of Michigan that, in desperate attempts to chemically motivate themselves to study for finals, students are ingesting the liquid inside JUUL pods in order to consume excessive amounts of nicotine in short periods of time.
The pods, which provide enough liquid for 200 “puffs” on the popular electronic cigarette, contain roughly the same amount of nicotine as an entire pack of cigarettes. Noting the stimulant effects of smoking JUULs, students reportedly concluded that if one hit helps you concentrate for a few minutes, consuming the entire thing in one go must help you concentrate for an hour.
“Adderall is great, but I’m up to about 120 milligrams per study session and it’s not giving me heart palpitations anymore, so I started JUULing to pick up the slack,” said Mark Bouma, a junior in the College of Engineering. “I haven’t gone to lecture in about three months and our final is on Friday, so I have from now until then to learn all of the material. I usually crack about two or three into an espresso shot and down the whole thing. Keeps me going for about 24 hours straight.”
However, students don’t seem to be replacing their other beloved study drugs for JUUL pods any time soon. In fact, many are taking them at the same time to achieve the maximum amount of psychological stimulation required to pore over a semester’s worth of notes and readings they didn’t do.
Other students have taken more drastic measures to pass their exams, despite the harm they may be doing to their overall health.
“I forgot I was in this one class, so I have to get a 104% on the final to get a passing grade,” said LSA sophomore Desiree Pelletier. “I used to take a bunch of Adderall and just drink the JUUL juice straight, but I’ve found it’s way more efficient to crumble up the pills into my coffee maker with the JUUL pod liquid and then chug the whole pot before heading out to the UgLi.”
Reports have also surfaced of students dropping JUUL liquid right into their eyes in order to wake themselves up while pulling all-nighters in the library.
“Oh yeah, I pour that shit right into my eyeballs,” said Graham Knott, a junior at the Ross School of Business. “After about 36 hours without sleep, my eyes get all heavy so I just crack open a menthol pod and pour it in there so it hurts to blink. Works great, and I think the nicotine hits me harder because it’s going in right next to my brain or something. It also might be the several ounces of cocaine I’ve consumed over the past couple of hours, but that’s neither here nor there. C’s get degrees, am I right?”
Michigan professors seem unfazed by the new trend, citing previous run-ins with student chemical abuse.
“I used to care about my students’ well-being, but then I realized they hate themselves and want to die, so I don’t try to intervene anymore,” said anthropology professor Dr. Carl Lundberg. “Whatever floats their boat, right? Plus, I’ve noticed the students who are the most out of their minds during my exams tend to do the best. I guess you could argue that they’re working the hardest to get a better grade since they’re literally putting their lives at risk.”
For any students struggling with addiction to nicotine, cocaine, adderall, or other mind-altering substances, CAPS will have appointments available some time in late 2023.
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