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E. Royster Harper ‘Ready to Hit the Emails’ After Spring Break

After spending a week with her husband in Punta Cana, E. Royster is back and ready to plague our inboxes for the rest of the semester, but her vacation was apparently no walk on the beach, according to sources. 

The Harpers reportedly flew out of DTW early Saturday, hoping to avoid the spring break rush. They checked in to their flight, allotting over five hours for the process. A slight struggle with TSA was reported after E. Royster tried to hold on to her beloved laptop full of email drafts while walking through security, and, because of the security snag, E. Royster didn’t have enough time to send one last email to all of the university before take off.

Luckily, the couple had a layover in Charlotte, where E. Royster was able to access a WiFi hotspot network, “BonerJam69,” the network owner clearly not to be trusted. Later, she was AirDropped unsolicited dick pics but was not phased–she had to send one last email about updating the Student Sexual Misconduct Policy.

Before hitting send, she CC’d “BonerJam69,” whomever they may be. 

When the Harpers arrived in the Dominican Republic, they headed to their resort to begin drinking away the agony that is their marriage. E. Royster was disappointed by the measly WiFi signal, trying to type up emails in all corners of the resort.

Mr. Harper reported that as the week went on, E. Royster seemed to become more restless and fidgety. He compared her to a “drug fiend, addicted to her inbox and reply-all button.” She was dying to get back to her Ann Arbor office, full of construction dust in the LSA building.

On multiple occasions Mr. Harper explained that he found her sneaking around, drafting documents.

“I just don’t know who she is anymore,” Harper said. “When we went to the beach, I waded around in the ocean and came back, and I could tell she was hiding something. She covered it up with her hands, but I could still make out the words, ‘DEI plan.’ She was drafting emails in the sand–who does that?”

When asked for comment, E. Royster said, “The resort was beautiful–they even folded bath towels on our into a cute little elephant. That’s my favorite animal. Elephants never forget, you know. Have you seen the modem by chance?”

When the pair landed home in Detroit, E. Royster furiously turned airplane mode off and sent out 64 emails, rapid-fire style. Her husband despairingly observed her achieve orgasm, something he knew he could never match. 

It was reported that E. Royster had a fantastic first day back on Monday and spent the day transcribing photographs of her email drafts in the sand into Google Docs.


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