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What the F*** is Actually in a Mind Probe at Rick’s?

It’s the century-old question that haunts us all each Friday night. You’re getting ready with your six roommates in a two square-foot bathroom, managing to put on heels, jeans and a nice top, spending an hour-and-a-half pregaming at your FWB’s house, all before Ubering to Uncle Richard’s. You head straight for the bar to maintain your current buzz. You order a Mind Probe because it’s a drink that gets the job well done, so you only have to pay for one drink. You wake up the next morning on your couch still wearing heels, but it seems that a roommate attempted to put a blanket on you. What exactly happened? Or better question, what’s exactly in a Mind Probe made you end up like this?

6.) Tequila:
Would a drink with a name like Mind Probe not have your best friend Jose Cuervo mixed in?

5.) Rum:
Should be spelled “run” to be honest, because if a friend orders you this drink, they’re not really your friend. Your mind and body will be sailing the high seas with the Captain after your first sip, so be sure to note the location of the nearest lifeboat.

4.) Triple sec: 
Of course, fruity and delicious. That’s how it traps you. “Wow, this tastes great,” you yell to your bestie standing next to you. “Here, try some!” Then you both die.

3.) Whatever alcohol is closest behind the bar:
Pretty sure the bartenders make Mind Probes while blindfolded and practicing the trumpet. They just grab whatever liquors are closest, dump ungodly amounts into a glass, add a dash of cocaine, and slide it across to the bar to a poor soul who won’t make it home.

2.) “Grenadine”:
You thought it was just a reddish drink mixing syrup, but in order to cut costs, Rick’s started collecting blood from the bleeding feet of girls who tried to wear heels, took them off, and had their toes stepped on by everyone in that scummy basement. It’s actually the perfect loophole, and the perfect red hue.

1.) Salt-rimmed glass using calcified tears of white girls*: 
The tears used for garnishing the rim are harvested by scraping the salt off white girls tear-soaked cheeks in the bathroom because they ran into their ex and saw him receiving an otphj (over-the-pants handjob) from someone who is blonder.

*No white girls are harmed during the harvestation of tears. 

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