Near and far throughout campus, from the Law Quad to the depths of Bursley Hall, flocks of Canadian Goose jackets are shuffling throughout campus, leaving no subpar North Face or Patagonia without jealousy in their down feathers.
But something new stirs on campus that no Canada Goose wearer has seen before: actual Canadian geese, an animal that has been recently introduced into the pledging rotation for fraternities on campus.
“With Greek Life slowly in its demise and our pledges thinking that this is an excuse for them to slack off, we’re really not sure what to do with ourselves,” says Jake Bernstein, President of Beta Tuba French Horn Pizza.
Recently, the pledges of Beta Tuba French Horn Pizza have all been seen in their classes with a cage in hand, as they carrying their Canadian geese throughout campus in an attempt to follow through with their newest pledge task.
“Bruh, we’ve all seen The Social Network where the guy had to raise a chicken and then he fed him chicken and it was lowkey considered animal abuse,” said Brock Mitchell, the pledge master of the Turkey Tampon class of the fraternity. “And we’re just trying to get our pledges to pull something as ridiculous as that to prove their worth to Beta Tuba French Horn Pizza and express their passion for brotherhood and stuff, bruh.”
Bernstein and Mitchell worked very hard together to come up with the optimal pledge task that would not only torment the pledges who had given their hearts and souls and futures to an organization of those with a very fragile sense of masculinity.
To contrast the Canada Goose jackets swarming campus, the geese of the Beta Tuba French Horn Pizza pledges are said to be only slightly more obnoxious than the jackets. Although the geese make noise in classes and take up space in very unnecessary spaces, some students actually did say they prefer the animals over the jackets.
“I actually decided to give my goose a really cool backstory,” said Keith Richard, one of the pledges who has taken on the task of handling his goose. “He went to Camp YoYoMa in Maine, totally loves his camp friends, wears Timbs and grey sweatpants, and is majoring in Ross. He wants to be an investment banker at Goldman, but he’ll probably work at his dad’s company this summer. Oh, and he loves to go to Skeeps on Thursdays.”
Some clueless pledges questioned the overall ethics of carrying around geese, though that did not last long for most.
“Is it animal abuse if I wear my Canada Goose jacket while caring for my goose?” asked Ethan Pelt, truly unsure himself if the jackets contain the fur of the geese inside of them. “Honestly, I feel kind of bad but at the same time, did you see that hot Kappa Pumpkin Pie? She was totally diggin’ the goose.”
The woman in question, wearing a Canada Goose parka, stopped to pet the goose and shouted, “LIKE OMG!!! SO SO CUTE!!! TWINSIES!!!”
The pledges of Beta Tuba French Horn Pizza have a brief time in their pledge term remaining and they feel as though they have been able to create a bond with many of their geese. When asked what they plan to do with the fully grown geese, the president replied that they would be sending them off to Long Island for at least half of winter break.
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