ANN ARBOR – To prep for the upcoming Indiana game, coach Jim Harbaugh has held a Hoosiers movie night instead of watching game film.
“Hoosiers is the quintessential Indiana movie. If we’re going to beat them, we need to know how they think,” Harbaugh said. “And if we’re going to know how they think, we need to look at Indiana’s only cultural artifact.”
Some coaches began to get worried as the movie went on. Don Brown, the Matthew and Nicole Lester Family Defensive Coordinator, was especially worried after the scene where Norman Dale gets ejected and Shooter has to coach the team.
“I’m just a defensive coordinator,” said Brown, the man with the longest title in the world. “Jim gets paid $9 million a year to be head coach. We can’t afford him to get kicked out to show us how we need to come together as a team.”
Some of the players also worried about more important things, like the fact that Hoosiers is about basketball.
“We’re a football team. We play football. We don’t play basketball,” said Michigan wide receiver, Donovan Peoples-Jones. “Honestly, I think Coach [Harbaugh] thought that this was a football movie, and he’s too proud to admit it.”
Peoples-Jones later remarked that he had changed his mind, and that it didn’t matter what sport the movie is about because it’s “really good.”
When asked why he decided to show a basketball movie rather than a football movie like Rudy, Harbaugh replied that he has “only seen three movies in my entire life: Hoosiers, American Sniper, and Babe 2: Pig in the City.
“Nothing is going to change that,” Harbaugh said. “I wasn’t going to show American Sniper for obvious reasons, and Babe 2: Pig in the City is simply not relevant to the sport of football, though we do play football in a city with a pigskin. Hoosiers perfectly encapsulates the genre of sports movies. Most people don’t like it because it’s really cliché, but they don’t realize that Hoosiers invented the sports cliché. Every other sports movie is derivative trash.”
While many players begrudgingly showed up at the Angell Hall auditorium that Harbaugh booked for the film, they were excited to see that he had brought pizza and popcorn to the screening. Before the film started, Harbaugh said he wanted to thank the fact that the University of Michigan has one of the only profitable D1 football programs in the nation.
“Most coaches have their players go door-to-door to sell magazine subscriptions, but luckily, we don’t have to do that and we can just concentrate on playing the game,” said Harbaugh as he sat down with some Pizza House Chicago-Style.
At the end of the film, when Jimmy scores the winning basket, it was reported that at least two-thirds of the players burst into tears.
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