ANN ARBOR – After a reportedly successful hunt, Jim Harbaugh has finally emerged from his annual foray into the forests of Northern Ontario and returned to Ann Arbor, signaling the official beginning of Winter in the state of Michigan. Coach Harbaugh migrates from Ann Arbor to the forested areas around Ontario’s Hudson Bay annually around the beginning of December to physically and mentally prepare himself for the cold weather.
According to witnesses, Harbaugh spends his weeks in the North hunting big game with his bare hands in order to store energy for the coming months and collect furs to keep himself warm. While the specific location of Harbaugh’s native hunting grounds are unknown, University of Michigan scientists who have studied his migratory patterns estimate he travels around 1400 miles round-trip, clad only in a pair of khakis and his ubiquitous vintage “M” baseball cap.
“We can usually tell when he’s about to head out,” says Michigan football tight end Jake Butt. “About a week before he starts acting kind of weird, sniffing the air and twitching and stuff, and then eventually he just disappears. One year he ran off in the middle of practice… just ripped his shirt off and sprinted out of the Big House.”
At his post-migratory press conference, Harbaugh assured reporters of the success of his hunt. “I think it was a great year,” he said as he displayed some of the dozen pelts he had collected over the past few weeks. “That loss against Ohio State triggered an unholy rage within me, so I was able to make the trip up in less than four days. There was traffic on the Mackinac bridge though, so I just swam across.”
When asked how he could survive in below-freezing temperatures without shoes or a shirt, Harbaugh outlined his usual hunting strategy. “You gotta get the small ones first, for energy. Deer, wolves, elk, you know. I try to get a few of those on the way up so I can have a snack while I travel, maybe make some shoes. Then once I get up there I get the real meat. Black bears, moose, sometimes a polar bear if I’m lucky.”
Harbaugh also claimed the time spent in the cold, “builds character. You only become stronger from good, old-fashioned physical suffering.”After the conference, Harbaugh was spotted discussing the possibility of similar hunts as team bonding with the football team.