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How To Get Into a Frat Party at Michigan If You Have a Penis

Michigan frats: something every girl can get into, but not every guy can. You know the party will be sticky, smelly, and sweaty, an overall subpar experience compared to the otherwise nice atmosphere we have here in Ann Arbor. No matter how horrible it might be, you want in. Here are some tips on how to get into a frat party if you’re a male who’s got a penis (and is also not in a frat): 

4.) Learn every single brother, pledge, and alumni’s name:
You know the classic, “Who do you know here?” and the “Name five brothers” line every frat brother loves to give. So next time they pull this one on you, name the whole fraternity. You’ll be able to whip out the names of the most recent pledge class, the alumni from 1985, and even the name of the brother questioning you. Do NOT take no for an answer. Convince this brother that you two met at a party before when he was drunk beyond remembering–it’s the only explanation as to why he doesn’t remember you. Even if he is positive he doesn’t know you, he’ll be so impressed he’ll have to let you in.

3.) Guy flirt, guy flirt, guy flirt: 
Turn. On. That. Charm. It’s time you “bro out” with a brother. If you want access to the unlimited Hamms and Kamchatka, you need to work for it. Pretend you’re rushing X frat and act like there is nothing more you want than to be in that house. Compliment the team of the jersey he’s wearing. Mention how his team’s season has been (or don’t if you’re talking Michigan football), or how that huge trade is going to change the team dynamic. If you notice his aggressively large biceps, ask him how lifting is going. Just do whatever it takes to PARTY IN HIS BASEMENT.

2.) BYOB:
Show up with a handle of Jack Daniels or maybe a six pack of silver bullets. Boys LOVE Jack Daniels, almost as much as Harbaugh loves a good ol’ glass of milk. It makes them feel like a “real man.” Offer to share—these guys like people who try hard, so be the ultimate try-hard. Show them you are willing to spend money you don’t have for a below-average party. That is all they want from you. If this doesn’t get you in, you might be SOL.

1.) Try to be the least good-looking person possible: 
Whatever you do, do not be attractive. Brothers don’t want a good-looking dude at their party. This doesn’t mean you should show up in a groutfit, but it does mean you should show up in something you wouldn’t wear to Cantina (shoutout to that new dress code). If your hair is your best asset, your best bet is to shave it. If people constantly compliment your abs, stop working out and hide those bad boys you worked so hard for. You might have to start preparing for this months in advance, but trust that it will be worth it. And remember: the uglier you are, the better your chances are.

If the previously listed techniques don’t assist you on your frat party endeavor, you might just have bad luck. The best part is, if it doesn’t work at one frat, there are plenty more to try.

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