Congratulations! You made the decision to brave the tundra and went out! In your night of drunken ~fun~ you’ve also decided to go home with Brad from Epsilon Pumpkin Pie, even though you vowed you’d stop talking to him after he didn’t ask you to his date party last month. Since you clearly can’t stick to that and you hate yourself, you’ve spent another night with Brad, and now he’s asleep on top of you. On top of that, you don’t have a jacket, your heels and miniskirt on the floor, and you have to plan your walk of shame route. So what do you do? When do you make your move?
It’s not an actual walk of shame if you didn’t stay over, right? That’s definitely up in the air but if it’s 2 a.m., you’ll probably only run into drunk people ending their wild night out. Odds are, they remember you walking from Zaragon to Varsity and you’ll basically blend in with the whole crowd. Choose this option if you’re not trying to continue hooking up with Brad from Epsilon Pumpkin Pie, and you want to wake up in the comfort of your bed for your 10 a.m. with water at your bedside. Downside: there will be no cuddles with this option.
No one is awake at this time unless they’re like, insane, so the odds you see anyone you know will be slim to none. It may be a little chillier, your Uber driver may be a little judgier, and Brad may hate you for waking him up at 6 a.m. (But do you even care about what Brad thinks anymore?) At this time, you can escape and give Brad the impression that you’re into him (but not enough that you want to spend sober time speaking to him), but you’re also kind of sort of available if he ever want to hit you up again.
This is a true bonding experience for all of the girls who went through the same emotional whirlwind last night, the cleaning staff of every Ann Arbor high-rise, and everyone who has the pleasure of a Friday 9 a.m. and gets to experience the migrations across campus of flocks of girls in too-large shack shirts, unwashed men’s sweatpants, and maybe even if they’re lucky, a pair of slides that makes them look like a penguin (or a generic frat boy, your choice).
At this point, just own it. Not a single doubt in anyone’s mind will exist when they see you strutting across campus in heels and a skirt and a bodysuit that probably doubles as lingerie, but hey, you got some last night. Hold your head high when you realize your “Rush Epsilon Pumpkin Pie” t-shirt is seven sizes too big and has five questionable stains on it, you’re actually freezing, and you just almost slipped on black ice for the fourth time in one block.
Ideal if you want to convince everyone you’re actually heading to your next pregame. In reality, you made the ridiculous decision to spend the entire day with Brad, not leaving his place because you were just having such a great time sitting in his hot boxed apartment and hanging out with his roommates who asked why you were still there! Hey, at least they ordered a pizza at 4 p.m. and offered you a slice as they watched “the game.” You’re totally one of the boys now!
Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to our podcast!