ANN ARBOR – Citing his unbridled passion for the subject and eagerness to discuss it with a group of intelligent students, University of Michigan history professor Dr. Andreas Martinson has reportedly spent weeks preparing the first lecture on the Spanish Reconquista to enthrall and delight a class who will be, on the whole, grotesquely hungover and resentful of his efforts.
Seemingly oblivious to the concept of syllabus week—the week at the start of the semester in which students drink to excess on nights before school days in the expectation that classes will consist only of reviewing the syllabus—Dr. Martinson poured days of his precious time into crafting the perfect PowerPoint presentation to entice students to love the subject as much as he does, despite the fact that most of them will be asleep, nursing pounding headaches, or still in bed.
“I’m just so excited to share this subject with students who are as passionate about it as I am,” said Dr. Martinson cheerfully and without a hint of irony. “My grandmother is Spanish, and she instilled in me a fascination for Spanish history from a young age. I spent most of my time in higher education studying the Reconquista, so I’ve worked tirelessly in making this class the absolute best it can be, especially the first lecture. After all, you can only make a first impression once!”
Reporters were too heartbroken to inform Dr. Martinson that the majority of his students were taking his class to knock out a humanities credit and were so disinterested in the subject they might even show up to the first lecture still drunk from the night before.
When asked what they were most looking forward to in Dr. Martinson’s class, students seemed mostly apathetic.
“Wait, what’s that class about?” said LSA junior Brandon Anselmini. “Is that like, a Spanish class or something? I already finished my language requirement so I can probably drop it.”
LSA sophomore Lauren Dauphin decided to stay enrolled but added that, “I’m probably gonna show up on the first day to see if he takes attendance. Might use it to nap though, ‘cuz I’m going to Rick’s tonight and we all know how that usually ends up.”
Another student with Dauphin agreed, saying, “I honestly don’t even know what subject this class falls under, I’m just taking it for credits. And it’s not a big deal if you show up super hungover on syllabus week, all the professors know none of the students are paying attention anyway.”
When confronted with the news that Dr. Martinson had poured his heart and soul into preparing the first lecture for the course, the students were mostly unmoved.
“Look, it’s not my fault he’s a huge nerd,” said engineering sophomore Danielle Raddysh. “I’m not here to get a degree in Spanish rural street style or whatever. If he’s so smart, he’ll figure out that no one wants to be in his class when we’re all wearing sunglasses and drinking pedialite from the bottle during the first lecture.”
Despite the obvious disrespect for his life work, Dr. Martinson seemed unfazed by his future class.
“Kids these days,” he said to reporters as he put the finishing touches on a large cake with “Welcome to Class!” written over a frosting portrait of Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand of Spain. “They’re such jokesters. There’s no way they’re any less excited about this class than I am!”
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