ANN ARBOR — After the mysterious disappearance of several MBuses, 18 students, and the back end of the chem building, the University of Michigan Board of Regents confirmed that “Coming Home”—the art installation recently installed by the C.C.Little building—has inadvertently opened a portal to Hell, further damning Michigan’s campus.
According to witness accounts, the giant mass of curved steel and reflective acrylic panels was struck by lightening mid-morning, imbibing it with an otherworldly energy that began rapidly consuming all surrounding matter.
“When I saw the lightning, I ran inside because I thought it was going to rain,” said Martine Jurco, a junior at the School of Kinesiology “But then I heard the unholy screams of billions of damned souls and was like, ‘I didn’t know they were holding my EECS lecture outside today.’”
Other students reported seeing various figures inside the swirling vortex within the sculptures, including Satan himself.
“I saw this weird goat creature in there,” said LSA freshman Etienne Marcoux. “He had the body of a man, but these goat hooves and horns and stuff. I was really scared, but then he said he would pay one year of my tuition in exchange for my soul, which I think is super nice of him. I’m definitely not worth that much.”
Not all of the students are so lucky though. According to another anonymous witness, the portal absorbed the backpack of a student who, in an effort to save his iPhone and laptop, leapt in after it and miraculously returned with only minor injuries.
“His eyes are completely white, he has a forked tongue, and he only speaks in riddles now, which is super annoying,” said the student’s roommate. “Also he doesn’t sleep, he just sits up in bed and watches me. I was gonna talk to my RA about it but I’m thinking maybe he killed her.”
University president Mark Schlissel responded to the emergency, calling it “probably something to do with Greek Life. I don’t know what those assholes are up to these days, but I’m gonna make them pay for it.”
Just a few hours after his statement,Schlissel was spotted throwing cease and desist letters into the portal. Calling his actions “unhelpful and frankly a little pedantic,” the Board of Regents has since drawn up several plans to close to portal with the help of divine providence.
“We’re about to go full Apocalypse Now on this bitch,” said Vice President for Student Life E. Royster Harper, slinging an AK-47 around her shoulders. “I’m going down there with the strength of the Lord behind me, so I hope Satan’s ready for a whoop-ass enema.”
According to Harper, the university’s chemistry department has recently developed a type of Greek fire that should theoretically produce enough heat energy to melt the steel beams of the sculpture and close the portal forever.
Harper plans on throwing the substance into the portal, then shooting it with her assault rifle to ignite and destroy the structure from the inside.
“There’s a distinct possibility that the collapse of this portal will behave like the collapse of a star and create an enormous black hole that will consume the entire planet, but all I have to say about that is you don’t become the leaders and the best without stepping on a few toes. Welcome to the world’s largest fuckin’ barbeque, Satan. Hope you like the taste of pain.”
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