Mothers Everywhere to Remove “My Child Is an Honor Student” Bumper Sticker After Release of Final Grades

author-pic at University of Michigan  

After a majority of colleges have let out for the summer, mothers across the country are now passive aggressively scraping their “My Child is an Honor Student” bumper stickers from their minivans.

“I went outside to see what my mom was doing, and all I saw was holding a bottle of Goo Gone and a putty knife, muttering ‘how the fuck am I supposed to get into a decent nursing home now?,’” said sophomore Andrew Johnson, wiping sticker residue off of his forehead. 

Moms from Iowa to Oregon who are “patiently waiting for their kids to become successful lawyers” are removing their bumper stickers that they’ve proudly displayed since their children were in middle school. 

“I thought the sticker would be a cute idea,” said KU mom Alexandra Lawrence. “I just wanted to be able to find my minivan easier in the Costco parking lot while showing off the pride I had in my kid and making other parents jealous. Now all I have to show off is a circular glue stamp that won’t come off.”

Local landfills supposedly can’t handle the amount of bumper stickers being thrown away– a number that’s reported to be in the tens of thousands.

“That’s all we see around here anymore, just piles and piles of broken dreams,” said landfill worker Mason Graham.

On a positive note, while sales of “My Child is an Honor Student,” bumper stickers decrease, those stating “I Love My Yorkie,” have reached record-breaking sales.

“It’s nice to have a bumper sticker that’s worth showing off,” Lawrence said while giving her son a death glare. “At least my Sparkles cares about his future.”

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