The world’s most dreaded holiday is upon us, and there’s nowhere to hide. To signal the end of cuffing season and winter, dump your FWB you managed to trap for the past four months (before they can break up with you first), and get back into the game. Here are the most eligible bachelors on campus to ask out before Valentine’s Day:
7.) Reggie the Campus Corgi:
The hottest piece of ass in all of Ann Arbor. If you really want to make someone else jealous, plan a public date with Reggie. Go to Iorio’s and slurp up some gelato together, licking from the same cup. So sexy.
6.) Stephen M. Ross:
If seeking arrangement isn’t working out for you, try seducing Stephen. We hear he’s into “rosshole” play. This is a little kinky, we admit, but who knows? Maybe you’re into that.
5.) The Skeeps bouncer:
This relationship could be very valuable in light of recent news. You could get all kinds of hot information from him. Must be 21+ to take a pass at the guy. However, if your fake is from Illinois and looks like it would get you into Ricks, you might have a hand up.
4.) The guy who wears camo shorts while cleaning restrooms in the UGLi:
We don’t know about you, but the camo shorts just do it. Accidentally spill your coffee in the lobby by Bert’s, he’ll come running to your rescue. It’ll be a super steamy Valentine’s day you won’t want to forget.
3.) Mark Schlissel:
We heard he has a wife, but have you ever seen her? Alright, alright Schlissel, no need to pretend. There are better ways to cope with being single than lying about it. Hit up M. DADDY Schliss this V-day, and we promise you won’t be amiss ;).
2.) Clarence Cook Little:
Send him sweet valentines laced with ricin. Signed, “Love, your favorite activist, XOXO.”
1.) The barista at Espresso Royale on South U:
You know the one. He forces conversation for a little too long and makes eye contact too many times. He also constantly compliments you (if you’re a hipster.) Ask him on a date, find out if you can get free coffee, and either stick out the blossoming relationship or get out of there depending on his answer.
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