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Naive Out Of State Freshman Thinks Winter Is Here


Studies have shown that many out of state freshmen are –in fact– NOT from Dante’s ninth circle of hell, and therefore they have no idea of the true horrors of a winter here at Michigan.


“Well, there’s snow on the ground, winter must be here, right?” poor, innocent Becky Townsend says in a recent interview with The Black Sheep.


In preparation of the Michigan winter, Townsend expanded her wardrobe to include a few hoodies and left some of her bandeaus and crop tops at her parent’s house in California.


“Becky’s fucked,” her roommate, and Michigan native Kelly Michigander said. “She asked me if I wanted to go sledding when there was 2 inches of snow on the ground. As soon as it dropped below freezing she was wearing 4 layers just to get from the Union to Mason. She’s not used to being in a place where being outside will literally freeze your skin.”


“My roommate thinks I’m not gonna survive the winter, but I think I’ll be fine. I can see my winter tan coming in already, nice and red!” Townsend said, pointing to what looks like beginning stages of frostbite on the tips of her fingers. “Should be well adjusted to this cold in no time!”


Townsend has been seen around campus dipping her fingers into her coffee and sprinting to and from classes to keep warm. Several people have reported Townsend staring outside giving a pep talk to herself before leaving each class, saying things like: “You got this” and “Think of the sun and maybe the warmth will come from inside.” She has also been seen making bum fires in the trash cans on State Street.


“It was rough going for a while there. Nobody told me about this ‘wind chill’ thing until it felt like the liquid in my eyeballs was freezing,” Townsend said. “I’m definitely ready for a real winter now. I got hot cocoa, hot hand warmers, hot Cheetos, and they even had these cute cotton mittens for only $2.50! There’s no way these are gonna be completely useless at all!”


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