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New Year’s Resolutions Michigan Students Definitely Won’t Keep

Every year you do this. You decide you want to be a better person, the person your UMich alum parents always wanted you to be, but by Jan. 5 you’re already begging the New Year’s gods for forgiveness. They saw what you did on NYE. They knew that shit wasn’t staying behind in 2017. Here are some of the resolutions you probably made (and definitely won’t follow) past sylly week.

6.) Vowing to stop texting your ex:
Get it together. This goal was so easy to abide by when you were in Jersey over break, but now that you’re both back in Ann Arbor and are bound to run into each other at Mash after eight too many shots, it’s going nowhere but downhill and faster than when he goes down on you.

5.) Avoid taking the chem building shortcut:
Does it even save time? Is the 22 seconds of room temperature worth it when you have to open doors that weigh more than the wallet of Stephen M. Ross? No and no. This….is the University of Michigan, and it’s fucking Siberia out there. Get used to it, or add a Goose to it.

4.) Restraining from ordering Pizza House at 1 a.m.:
Somehow it happens every week. The first week back you’ll want to treat yo self, and the week after, you’ll congratulate yourself for completing your first assignments, and the week after that you’ll order it again, but the reasons become more sad. Congrats, you made it out of bed on week three!

3.) Sitting in the front row of lectures: 
You swear to yourself every semester that you’re going to be a better student. You promise yourself you’re going to sit in the front row and actually learn and listen, and refrain from browsing Amazon’s Deal of the Day. But something always ruins your goal; a prof who spits when they talk, a guy who smells like corn flakes, or an awful Powerpoint font that hurts your soul when you look at it from a short distance. Back of the room for you, pal. 

2.) Being a better roommate:
You feel bad when you come back and see that your roommate has done your dishes, taken out the trash, and organized everyone’s shoes. You vow to yourself that you’ll be more helpful and clean, but it’s so nice when she does it all. It’s like living at home again where your parents magically took care of everything. To be honest, you should just pay her a cleaning allowance since you’ll never actually help.

1.) Stop having sex on the top bunk:
Whether you’re in a dorm still or a srat house, you know the bunk life is rough. And as the weather gets even more disgusting, the time window for your FWB schedule becomes a lot more restricted, leaving a short period of time for you to have a lil’ fun before all of your roommates come back for the evening.

Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to our podcast!

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