To Every Dickhole in Greek Life:
I hope you’re reading this on the toilet because I’m about to strike the fear of God into your hearts so aggressively your bowels will evacuate themselves halfway through this letter.
Here’s the deal: I have spent my whole damn life in and out of the most prestigious universities this great nation has ever produced, working my ass off so I could achieve the presidency of the best public university in the world and you assclowns are ruining it for me.
Do you know what I am known for now? I’ll give you a fucking hint, since clearly you’re only here because your parents could afford out of state tuition: the first years of my presidency have been marked not by my skill for running an enormous school, but for my apparent lack of control over the student body. Because of you numpties and your stupid orgy Snapchats and ski trips and homoerotic mud wrestling with a football, I am the laughing stock of the academic community.
I thought we were done with all the bullshit a few years ago, but now apparently you’re making pledges drink laundry detergent and I have reached the end of my fucking rope. Do they not have common sense in New Jersey or LA or wherever you all spawned from? Enough is enough. You assholes are going down, and I will not rest until every single one of you is as unaffiliated with your houses as my hairline is with my forehead.
In order to restore my dignity amongst my peers, I am going to do everything in my power to kick you off of this campus one by one, until all of you self-important vaginas are no more than the GDIs you refuse to associate with. I don’t care if I have to threaten your national offices until they revoke your charter. I don’t care if I have to pull a Harvard and turn all of you into glorified gender-inclusive bathrooms. I don’t care if I have to rip those letters of the face of your homes with my bare hands—I will deliver a reckoning the likes of which you have never seen.
I may not be able to eliminate you shit sippers off the face of this Earth, but I intend to dedicate every waking moment of my presidency wiping you off the face of this campus.
President of the University of Michigan
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