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Paranormal Signs Appear in Stacks, Beg Students to Fornicate Elsewhere

ANN ARBOR – On Monday, students and faculty working in the Harlan Hatcher Graduate Library reported unexplainable events occurring in the stacks, many of which included ominous messages presumably requesting students stop having sex in the study carrels.

Other ghostly happenings included mysterious drafts coming from nowhere, general feelings of being watched, and various religious texts flipped open to pages condemning public sex.

“It was so scary,” said LSA senior Karly Highmore of her paranormal stacks experience. “I was just down there having sex with this guy in my discussion section and suddenly the room got super cold and the lights starting flickering, and we heard this disembodied voice whisper, ‘I would prefer if you have sex in your own home please.’ But we were, like, right in the middle of having sex so we just finished and left. So awkward.”

Faculty members, who are familiar with students’ tendencies to hook up in the stacks, seem to be grateful for the ghostly intervention.

“I’ve always been too embarrassed to confront anyone about it, but I went down there today and there was some green goo dripping from the wall that spelled out ‘Thank You For Not Having Sex In Here,’” said librarian Rob Press. “I thought that was nice. Sure, the prospect of working in a place that’s haunted is scary, but that ghost seems pretty chill.”

Unfortunately, the ghost’s messages seemed to fall on deaf ears for the majority of the week, with students continuing to have sex in the stacks regardless of the threat of spiritual intervention.

In the past few days, clearer messages have emerged in the form of texts from unknown sources or handwritten notes appearing around the study carrels. One text, received while a pair of students were “studying” together, seems to strike a more desperate note. 

“i am very tired of walking in on u kids going at it in my library,” read one text. “what would ur parents think???? were u raised in a barn??? do ur weird sex stuff in ur own home, heathens.”

The ghost’s request may not help their case, though, since students reportedly find the threat of haunting, “exciting, and kinda hot when you think about it.”

“It’s pretty kinky having a ghost watch you go at it,” said the student who received the text. “I don’t know, I think it’s hot.”

At the moment of the interview, the student received another text from the same unknown number that simply read, “u know what else is hot? Hell.”

Listen to our scary, sexy podcast, which is neither scary, nor sexy. 

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