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Local Redshirt Stripper Upset She Can’t Recruit NCAA Basketball Players

As the NCAA gears up for another season of March Madness, Ann Arbor redshirt stripper Courtney Delia (who goes by stage name “Cherri”) has expressed disappointment that she will no longer be allowed to recruit NCAA basketball players after the Louisville scandal in February.

“We only get four years of eligibility to recruit college basketball players, so they redshirted me this year so I could focus on school,” Delia said.  “But now everyone knows about the stripper parties, and the coaches aren’t going hire us because they’ll get caught. It’s so unfair. Do you know how great it is to have a client who works out more than once a decade and is under the age of 45?”

Earlier this year, news broke that Louisville’s director of basketball operations, Andre McGee, organized parties at which strippers were hired to dance and have sex with recruits, their guardians, and current players.  

Delia, whose escort company is typically hired for these types of events at various NCAA schools, has not been asked to return for next year due to the scandal.

“People think it’s just Louisville, but I guarantee you every single NCAA basketball program is hiring strippers for their parties,” Delia said. “If there’s a recruit you really want, you can’t be the only team not getting them professionally laid when they visit your campus. We even have a March Madness bracket for which school has the guys who are best at sex–it’s been Michigan for the past six years, by the way.”

Delia says that recruitment season is an exciting time for women in her profession, since their typical clients are older, lonely men.

“We get all types in here,” Delia said. “Usually it’s older divorced guys who are super depressed and just need some love.  They’re not necessarily gross, but they’re not a blast either. Once recruiting starts, we get to bang a bunch of young, tall, ripped dudes.  And I won’t be able to next year because Andre McGee is a complete moron.”

Delia remains hopeful for the future, though.  

“The minute this thing blows over, they’ll be back to ordering dancers and coke from us. And have you heard about those FBI investigations?  These people have literally zero self preservation instinct, and fewer morals. We’ll probably cut off Louisville, though, so don’t expect any good players to be going there for the next couple of years.”

Some of Delia’s coworkers expressed disappointment for her bad luck, but seem excited for her future.  

“Yeah, it stinks that she got redshirted and can’t recruit next year either, but she’s been doing so well in school it might be good for her,” said fellow dancer, Analstasia. “And even without recruitment season, she’s already saved up enough for college and med school, so honestly she should be focusing on men with careers that will continue after they turn 30.  We’re trying to get some law schools to hire us for their accepted student days, too.”

 

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