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Schlissel Suspended After Claiming a ‘Bigger Button’ Than Trump

As of Thursday, the Board of Regents declared Schlissel unfit to remain president after a very public outburst that started out with a simple tweet.

Seemingly antagonized by President Trump’s latest penis-measuring contest against North Korea’s Kim Jong-un, the notoriously large-handed President Schlissel engaged in Trump’s Twitter war to let it be known: his button is “bigger than both of those idiots.”

He preceded to invite all of Twitter to a public press conference that took place last Tuesday, in which he gave a speech on all the reasons that his button is better.

At his press conference turned public outburst, Schlissel went on an obscure rant about all the reasons that his button is superior.

“Well first of all, my button can cancel the classes of 44,718 students,” Schlissel said. “You want a snow day? I can press that button. I can make that happen, but I won’t. I have the fate of thousands of students in my hands and can control all of your days and happiness with the touch of a button. Can Trump or Kim Jong Un do that? Well, maybe.”

Schlissel continued to stare off into the distance as he pulled a bottle of Kamchatka out from behind his podium and chugged for a solid 10 seconds before mumbling something about Trump being “the type to need a chaser.”

After an anonymous tip suggested that Schlissel’s drink of choice was confiscated from a banned fraternity, an investigation launched by E. Royster Harper found hundreds of frat-confiscated bottles of Kamchatka, Burnetts, and water bottles filled with a questionable liquid of unknown origin at his place of residence.

While a few members of the board suggested that no decision be made until the water bottles come back from an undisclosed testing facility (which consists of 10 former pledges who will be determining whether it’s pee or Gatorade), the rest of the board voted to temporarily suspend President Schlissel.

When questioned about their seemingly hasty decision, a board member who asked to remain anonymous, explained that for him, the decision was a simple one.

“What it really comes down to is that a prestigious university like the University of Michigan deserves a presidential leader who acts with poise and decorum,” the board members said. “We can’t have the leader of the free world—sorry, I mean Michigan—be engaging in inappropriate Twitter wars at all hours of the night. It’s just not presidential or fitting for this great university. Make UMich great again!”

Since his indefinite suspension, even more allegations have been raised against President Schlissel.

Former President Mary Sue Coleman has reportedly received late night texts from Schissel demanding her birth certificate, and Provost Filbert has been overheard complaining about Schlissel’s newfound tendency to scribble the words “FAKE NEWS!” all over his copy of the Michigan Daily.

 

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