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How to: Spend New Year’s Eve in a Small Suburban Town



So, you’re on winter break, back in good ‘ol *insert name of small town here*. It’s getting pretty old but, there’s still New Year’s Eve to get through. You’re stuck with the prospect of celebrating either in a garage full of all your camo-wearing high school friends, chugging natty light until you can’t remember the fact that they voted for Trump, or staying home with your parents, 8-year old brother, and his friends. If you chose the latter, here’s how to make sure you have the most rockin’ New Year’s Eve possible!


Step 1- Don’t Party on an Empty Stomach:
Kick off the party with a great meal! You know things are about to get pretty rowdy, so you don’t want to risk projectile vomiting due to an empty stomach! Plus your dad is an amazing cook, which is better than trying to eat just the right amount of your roommate’s food so that she won’t notice, so make sure you get the most out of being home by eating with the fam.


Step 2- Start off by Keeping Things Mellow:
You don’t want to get the cops called on you just yet, after all, it’s only 7 o’clock. So start off the night with some board games! Nothing says “Happy New Year!” like Scrabble! But if your little brother and his friend insist on playing Rocket League on the big screen, just go with the flow and let them yell at each other until they’re not speaking the rest of the night! Only 5  more hours to go!


Step 3- Get Things Really Going!
Ok, it’s now 9:30 and you really need to get the energy back in the room, turn on some Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s to get everyone’s blood pumping. Even though our main man Dick has passed on, Ryan Seacrest will get the job done! And don’t forget about Jenny McCarthy! If conversation has become stagnant, she can always be trusted to say something off color enough to spark a lively debate that will carry you to 11:55! While we all know Jenny’s secretly a top medical researcher in her spare time, let your family decide whether or not vaccines cause Autism for themselves!


Step 4- The Moment You’ve All Been Waiting For!
It’s finally here, the ball is dropping on TV and you’re counting down the seconds like the rest of your family (only these are the seconds until you can escape to your room). As your chanting gets to the number one, make sure to scream “Happy New Year!”, clink your plastic champagne glass filled with sparkling grape juice, and watch your parents “kiss” before leaving the room exhausted from the night’s activities. You can finally lay in bed and watch The Office in peace, without mom and dad guilt-tripping you into spending time with them.


Step 5- Go to Bed:
Now, the only thing left to do is go to bed. While laying in bed make sure to text your friends about how lame your night was and how you can’t wait until school starts again. You’ll inevitably get a response from your childhood best friend across the street that he had the exact same night. What a shame you didn’t know earlier, if only you had started your complaining earlier in the night. Oh well, better to sleep off your bitter remorse than to dwell on it.


Well, the ball has dropped and the New Year is here. The boys are passed out from a sugar overdose, your parents can finally go to bed, and you can relish in the feeling of another failed New Year’s Eve. But hey! New year new you right? We have so much to look forward to! Donald Trump’s presidency, Brexit, the impending decline of your GPA, the world is your oyster! (Until global warming kills them all that is). So enjoy your time home, you never know what the new year will bring.


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