TGIF, amiright ladies? Midterms are pretty much over, the weather’s been amazing, and spring break is only a day away!
Wait, holy shit. Spring break starts tomorrow? It seems like between cramming for midterms, extracurricular meetings, getting obliterated at whichever is the frat du jour four times a week, and shoving enough trash food into your body to rival the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, you forgot to lose 20 pounds. So now it’s Friday morning and – horror of horrors – that slinky little bikini you looked so hot in last Summer now makes you look like someone wrapped dental floss around the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Some people would cut back on alcohol and focus on eating a balanced diet with plenty of exercise to lose the extra weight safely and healthfully, but those people are fat nerds who don’t need to impress boys from a top-tier house. So here at The Black Sheep, we found a foolproof diet that will help you lose 20-30 pounds in the next ten hours.
Friday, 2 p.m.:
For this plan, the only thing going into your body is espresso. Literally. No solid food, no water, nothing but that metabolism-whipping, low-calorie, black magic. Start right now by downing five shots. In order to burn off those 35 calories you just indulged in, buy Adderall from your friend and take twice her recommended dose.
Friday, 3 p.m.:
If your heart isn’t vibrating instead of beating at this point, take more Adderall.
Friday, 4 p.m.:
Now that the caffeine and amphetamines have had time to kickstart your metabolism, it’s time to hit the gym. For maximum effect, do some high intensity interval training but skip the intervals where you rest.
Friday, 5 p.m.:
Feeling thirsty? Too bad. Water makes you bloat. Have some more espresso.
Friday, 6 p.m.-10 p.m.:
You should be working hard enough to burn off the Adderall and caffeine by 10pm. If you’re not sure if you’re at the right intensity level, try this handy trick: Push yourself at 100% capacity until you vomit, then stay at that level for four hours. Make sure to take care of yourself! Replace the caffeine and Adderall you lost in the puke with a delicious espresso/amphetamine smoothie.
Friday, 11 p.m.:
With all that sweating and caffeine, your body is probably desperately begging you to give it water, but stay strong. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!
Saturday, 12 a.m.:
Time for a coffee nap! REM sleep causes your body’s metabolism to slow, so down a few more espresso shots and close your eyes for an hour as your cardiovascular system desperately tries not to shut down.
Saturday, 1 a.m.:
That was refreshing! Haul your decrepit body out of bed and go for a quick run, about six or seven miles around the Arb. To keep you on schedule within the hour, make sure each mile is complete in under ten minutes!
Saturday, 2 a.m.:
At hour ten, weigh yourself to see how far you’ve come. If you haven’t reached your goal, don’t worry! The average human leg weighs around 26 pounds, and can easily be removed by the Amtrack when it next pulls into Ann Arbor. No one will notice a little extra weight if you’re sporting a grotesque stump leg!
Hopefully these tips will help you stay confident and sexy in Miami or PV or whatever alcohol-soaked beach town college students are raining hell upon this year. And remember, the only thing sexier than a body fat percentage of two is achieving it solely to impress other people. Happy spring break!