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‘Please Stop Showing Up Shiftaced to UMix’ — by Campus Involvement

Dear students,

Here at the Center for Campus Involvement, we take pride in our fun, alcohol-free nighttime events that provide students with a safe way to spend their evenings. UMix events occur eight times a semester and are a great way to have a blast with your fellow Wolverines without get funked up at Skeeps and making out with your ex’s fraternity brother who’s definitely a mouth breather.  

But what makes these events so special and exciting is the lack of alcohol, drugs, and students under the influence of these substances. It’s important to us that every UMix event creates a safe space for all students, and showing up absolutely hammered to “The Sound of UMix” and trying to get everyone to rip their shirts so they look like Lederhosen does not make anyone feel comfortable.

Of course, we understand the desire to pillage our enormous quantities of free food paid for by your tuition after you’ve had a drunken night out—we do party until 2 a.m., after all. But if you are hit by a nasty case of the drunchies, please quietly stand in line with a plate like the other students instead of demanding to skip to the front because you, “got that TSA pre-check and it’s illegal to make me wait in lines.” Also, if you vomit in the hallway, you will be denied entry because you may be a biohazard, not because you’re white (as some previous attendees have claimed).

 

 

Honestly, we’re just here to support you as a student.  Is it hilarious when you and six of your buddies show up to karaoke night and insist on playing “Mack the Knife” seven times in a row despite the fact that none of you know the lyrics?  Yes. But is it traumatizing to that freshman from Iowa who’s never seen a penis before to peep your testicles through your open zipper as you gyrate your hips to their grandpa’s favorite song? Also yes.

If you have to come buzzed, come buzzed. But for the love of God, keep it together at least until the kids go home. We’re getting concerned calls from parents about people at the cupcake decorating station using their hands to scoop frosting into their mouths from the bowls.  Come on, guys—this is supposed to be a good school.

So please feel free to enjoy UMix however you see fit, but we’re begging you, keep it inside the realm of human decency for us, OK?

We’ll see you this Friday at UMix Universe from 10 p.m.-2 a.m. at the Michigan Union!

Sincerely, 

The Center for Campus Involvement at the University of Michigan

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