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Text From Mom: ‘Honey, Have Fun in PV But Please, Please Be Safe’

Hi sweetheart!

I hope your midterms are going well. Your father and I sent a little care package a few days ago with some treats for you and your friends. Don’t eat it all at once…LOL!

We’re so happy for you that you decided to go to Puerto Vallarta with your friends over spring break — what fun! I’m sure you will all have a great time not being at home with your loving parents and your sweet dog who misses you so much. Yesterday I found him cuddled up into your pillows making crying noises. But I’m sure if he could comprehend how much fun you’ll be having getting drunk on a beach in Mexico, he would be happy for you too!  

Speaking of which, your father and I just wanted to remind you to be safe during your trip. We hear lots of stories about what happens down there in Mexico, and we want to remind you to make sure you’re always being careful. We were doing a bit of research on the YouTube and found some fun videos of previous spring breaks there. They look like a lot of fun!

And a lot of alcohol.

Not to be mean, sweetie, but we’re a little concerned about how you’ll hold up down there. We’ve seen you after two glasses of wine at Thanksgiving, and, frankly, it’s a little sad. We think maybe you shouldn’t be spending all day drinking tequila straight from the bottle and then immediately going to a club.  

Just remember to pace yourself, okay? Maybe carry a vodka bottle full of water so your friends won’t know what a lightweight you are.  

We also heard about some drug use. Don’t be too surprised — your father and I used to be young too. And we’re well aware of you college students and your Mexican cocaine and marijuana. Did you think we didn’t know what was going on when you came back from Emily’s house last Summer and made yourself four plates of nachos? Or when you got home at 2 a.m. and talked to your father for forty minutes about golf?  

We’re old, not stupid. And we recommend maybe holding off on the drug use while you’re there, just based on your behavior while you’re on them. Obviously you shouldn’t be doing drugs at all because of the health risks and such, but you really shouldn’t do them if you’re going to eat 2,000 calories in one night or talk everyone’s ear off about stuff you don’t know anything about.

We’re just looking out for you honey. I mean, you’re going to be in a bikini the whole time. And you don’t really have enough friends to scare off half of them with your golf lectures.

Anyway, give us a call when you get your midterm grades back!  I’m sure you did great. We love you so much sweetie, make good choices!

Love,

Mom (and Dad)

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