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5 Things That Are Nearly as Heroic as Jordan Poole

Well, in all the craziness that is this March Madness so far, that was fucking crazy. Jordan Poole, nearly doing the splits as he pulled up from beyond the arc, drained a three-pointed with no time left on Saturday to give Michigan a win over Houston. Sure, you could say that there are better heroes than Poole, but you’d be wrong. Here are a few people and things that are almost as much of a hero as Poole, but not quite. 

5.) Mo Wagner: 

That goddamn sportsmanship. That goddamn hair. Those goddamn biceps. Mo Wagner is a hero, but is he as much of a hero as Jordan Poole? Nope, but if we’re playing superheros, and Poole is Batman, Wagner could definitely be his Robin. 

4.) The ultimate good boys—the UMBC Golden Retrievers: 

Awww, who’s a good boy? You’re all good boys! And who’s as much of a hero a Jordan Poole when he defied all odds and drained a three where most boys would instead fail to live up to such a test? You guys are not. Though cute, and quite literally underdogs, these good boys are not great boys. 

3.) The entire Syracuse basketball program: 

From the bottom of our blue and maize hearts, thank you Syracuse. Thank you for putting Michigan State into even more misery than they were in before and for capping off a year of terrible sports and an even more terrible administration at East Lansing (looking at you, Lou Anna Simon). Just as long as we don’t play Syracuse, they’re heroes, but not as much as Poole. 

2.) Sister Jean Dolores Schmidt: 

Loyola-Chicago’s 98-year-old team chaplain is the reason why Loyola-Chicago is in the Sweet 16. We all know she’s using up all her extra prayers on getting her team as far as she can, but does that make her heroic or opportunistic? Even though she’s got priority boarding on whatever flight she’s eventually taking to heaven, we’re gonna have to go with the latter here and still say that Poole is a bigger hero. 

1.) Your bracket: 

You once thought your bracket would be a hero. You once thought that your return-on-investment for $65 spread across three pools would be in between the $500-$700 range. Your bracket, like most, is so incredibly fucked that if you bring it up in casual conversation, people are bound to look the other way in disgust. Your bracket, zero. Jordan Poole, hero. 

The true hero test? Texas A&M on Thursday. Poole, we’re looking at you. 




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