Tide Pods are delicious and staff at The Black Sheep enjoy eating them. However, this is looked down upon in the real world, and is probably pretty dangerous. Nobody wants you to enjoy the forbidden fruit, they want all of it for themselves. To help you sneak a snack every now and then, we present a nifty guide of the best places on campus to eat a Tide Pod without interruption.
10.) The laundry room in Baits:
This is a quality spot for a few reasons. First, nobody will be there. Baits is far away from civilization and nobody does laundry there (they all smell). Second, it gives you a good excuse to have a Tide Pod on you, so nobody will take it from you. Hidden spot for a hidden fruit.
9.) Third floor bathroom in the Union:
Did you know the Union has a third floor? Neither did we. Did you know that there’s a bathroom on the third floor of the Union? Neither did we. Enough said, nobody knows nothing about no bathroom nowhere. Eat a Pod in peace.
8.) The Stacks:
The stacks used to be the place to fuck on campus, but now that there aren’t any doors, it isn’t good for much fucking. However, it’s still super quiet, and nobody will bug you and try to take away your precious Pods. Perfect for a mid-study snack.
7.) The newly-abandoned Natural History Museum:
The Natural History Museum (or The Natty, as we like to call it) it is moving and the building is full of nothing but skeletons and weird taxidermies of things that died 12,000 years ago. Don’t worry though, they won’t bite when you try to sink your teeth into a good Pod.
6.) The office of Dean Martin:
Dean Martin the singer was known to partake in some tasty treats himself, so the namesake of our LSA Dean should be in the same boat, right? Dean Martin seems like a cool guy to split a Pod with, so bring an extra when you go.
5.) The bushes outside of Schlissel’s House:
Most people seem to be scared of Schlissel’s house, but if you want to avoid Pod thieves, it’s a perfect place. Sit in a Schlissel shrub for a sneaky snack!
4.) East Quad on a Monday:
A spot that will deter some of you, but trust us, nobody will be there. And you can even go into the dining hall, because guess what? You can get a Pod of Tide purclean, a vegetable-based detergent! Perfect option for the environmentally conscious.
3.) Mason Hall when all the dance groups are practicing at the Posting Wall:
This is another wonderful place to pack into a Pod. While there will be people there, they will be so entranced by the funky rhythms to take your Pod for themselves. Enjoy the performances and bring popcorn. Oh wait, you have something better, a Tide Pod!
2.) Somewhere in the tundra of North Campus:
Nobody is there, nobody will take your Pods. Your delicacies are safe for eating out of sight of everybody else. Make sure you bring an extra to distract the North Campus Cougar if it decides to come out and see what you’re munching on.
1.) Right after you accidentally step on the M so you can just fucking die:
You will probably die if you eat a Tide Pod. You will want to die after you step on the M. Not terribly difficult logic.
Wherever you go on campus, just know that there may be other people there, especially after this list is published. Hide your Pods, hide your kids, hide your wife. Good luck and good eating.
Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to our podcast!