Did someone say college decision season? With December and January quickly approaching, students who are accepted early to the University of Michigan will be notified very soon. And with that begins the god awful season we know as “incoming freshman tour season.” Fear not: most everyone went on these tours, everyone complained about them, and everyone cried about having to walk so much. But luckily, The Black Sheep has compiled a list of “all things tour guides at Michigan WISH they could tell incoming freshman” to comfort those who have to listen to tour guides spout the same shit over and over.
6.) “South Quad dining hall has so many great food options and has the best cookies…”
…and you will gain the freshman 40 from overdosing from said cookies your first month here. You will also run into every human you’re trying to avoid in this dining hall alone (including your future uncomfortable welcome week hookup, that person you ghosted, and that annoying girl in your freshman English class). Some students will come in their pajamas or a weird robe with animal slippers, and you’ll never be able to un-see it. There’s also a 75% chance that you will contract the infamous norovirus from this or one of the many other dining halls on campus, so stay tuned!
5.) “The weather really isn’t that bad…”
…it’s literally awful, save yourself. The wind chill will make you forget that you do, in fact, have a face. You will be forced to conform to the most despicable aspects of society by selling your soul for an $800 coat made out of the feathers of approximately 27 geese. You will refuse to leave your dorm/apartment/home because it’s really just not worth traversing outside.
4.) “The Fishbowl is a great place to study and print homework…”
…but just remember that you will run out of printing pages halfway through the semester because the university loves its hidden fees. Because paying $62,000 a year definitely doesn’t warrant a few more pages of paper.
3.) “Here’s the library that students have endearingly nicknamed the Ugli…”
…because the shit that goes on in here is ugly as hell. EECs students in the basement probably haven’t showered for a week. You’ll stare at your essay or homework here until you could no longer see and have to be admitted to UHS for blindness, where they’ll make you wait for six hours. You’ll use all your blue bucks buying shitty coffee so that you could stay awake longer even though you’ll probably just end up deep in the black holes of YouTube videos, Wikipedia or social media.
2.) “This is the Ross School of Business…”
…and there is no chance in hell you’re being admitted. Steven M Ross did not donate his legacy to allow just any average student to experience the luxuries of having a Starbucks next to all your classes, a modern building with actual outlets, and the chance to be recruited and actually get a job right out of college. If you don’t own a pantsuit already, don’t bother applying.
1.) “If you’re out studying late, we have busses that run at all hours…”
…but really, you’ll be out late not studying and be too incoherent to even remember how busses work. You’ll spend at least $200 on unnecessary Ubers throughout the semester, so you might as well just factor that into your cost of tuition right now.
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