All around tailgates on St. Patrick’s Day you’ll see that girl, you know, the loud one, shoving her way through a cluster of inebriated freshmen to get to the highest elevated platform in the Natty Light wasteland of a front yard. She’ll manage to insert herself into the crowd already on the platform, and proceed to yell to anyone remotely interested, “KISS ME, I’M IRISH” even though everyone can easily see that she is in fact not. How many people at St. Paddy’s Day darties are actually Irish? Who knows, but we’re here to teach you how to convincingly tell everyone that you are, and maybe you’ll get kisses.
6.) Distribute Lucky Charms Cereal at Darties:
The dining halls just added cereal dispensers, so this one might be tough, but it’s still definitely doable. Get some of the magically delicious morning tidbits and carefully sneak them out. You can then throw the tiny marshmallows at people at tailgates and convince them you’re a leprechaun.
5.) DIY a Gaelic Department T-shirt:
This touch will really sell people. First of all, UMich doesn’t even have a Gaelic department, but does anyone really know that? Make your own t-shirt to convince people that you’re full fledged Irish and are even studying the language to stay in touch with your heritage.
4.) Photoshop Your Face into a Pic with Ed Sheeran:
Carry around a picture of you and Ed Sheeran, and pull it out at any chance you get. Tell everyone you’re cousins. Ginger buddies 4 life. Protip: CAEN Computers have Photoshop on them.
Bring your own pitcher to the tailgate, because everyone knows real Irish people don’t drink out of cups like children. Watch out though, these are much bigger than dining hall cups so make sure you know what you’re doing.
2.) Brush Up on Your Dad Jokes:
Irish people, known for their snappy one-liners, are always ready to pounce on the perfect opportunity for a good joke. Text your dad before you head out tailgating, and ask him to hit you with his best St. Paddy’s Day jokes. Don’t forget to tell him you love him and that you’re not actually going to drink when you should be studying and wasting his 60k/year!
1.) Change Your Name on Your MCard:
Just for the weekend, slap an “O’” or a “Mac” before your last name. It might be hard to make it look official, but if you really want it, just go to the SAB and let them give you a new MCard.
Follow these foolproof steps, and surely anyone you encounter will believe you’re 100% Irish. Now go be that girl and yell to everyone, “KISS ME, I’M ACTUALLY IRISH!”
Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to our podcast!