It’s that time of the year again where everyone is abundant in stress and desperation. To add one more tedious task to your to-do list—right after making a study guide for a final you already know you’re going to fail and breaking up with your boyfriend before graduation—don’t forget about finding a person to sublease your subpar UM apartment. Here’s how to really sell the place:
6.) Advertise your single apartment as a double, for you and a friend:
Do you love snuggling? Do you enjoy having someone breathe on your neck while making scrambled eggs because the kitchen is just so damn small? This apartment is the one for you, where you and your best friend never have to leave each other’s side–mostly because you physically can’t.
5.) Sell your apartment saying it has a “picture-perfect view of the Big House”:
Sure, tailgate szn might be over, but who doesn’t want to be a 20-minute walk from central campus? Just tape a really nice hi-def picture of the Big House to the fridge. How could they not love this incredible view all of the time?
4.) List the building liken to a luxury hotel with a full-time musician in the lobby:
OK, so maybe there isn’t really an old mysterious man playing jazz from 7-10 p.m. nightly, but there’s definitely a virginal law student who lives downstairs and regularly practices at 2 a.m. in hopes that someday he can actually impress a woman with his guitar–assuming he ever leaves the lower level.
3.) Sell the apartment as having a hot tub in the living room:
All you have to do is run to Meijer to pick up a $5 kiddie pool and leave it in the living room for the summer. You tested it out welcome week, and it proved to be some serious competition for Trash Splash Bash. Situate the tiny pool in the right corner of the room, right under the upstairs bathroom. That way when the shower leaks, it’ll be like a super cool waterfall feature.
2.) Say it’s a two-minute walk from everything:
Skeeps, Washtenaw Dairy, No Thai, Dom’s, and Kerrytown; All just two minutes away! Deciding to walk at the pace of Papa Schliss or Mo Wagner is up to them, and that’s not your problem.
1.) List your apartment with a washer and dryer in the unit:
“Oh, what? That’s a dishwasher and not a 2-in-1 washer and dryer combo? Sorry I really had no idea, I’m from Jersey, and I pay for a laundry service.”
If you still can’t find a poor soul to prey upon after following our recommendations, don’t worry. You’re probably out-of-state and can afford to pay rent while not living here for four months anyways.