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10 More Controversial Speakers U of M Could Host Besides Richard Spencer

Everyone has heard about how the university will not refuse white supremacist Richard Spencer from campus, and the student body has responded with protests and anger towards the administration. However, our good friend Marky-Mark Schlissel gave his usual response to when bad things happen to minorities on campus: “What do you want me to do?”

Seeing as “literally anything” is not good enough for him, we put together a list of controversial speakers that Schlissel could allow on campus instead of Richard Spencer.

10.) Urban Meyer:
Head coach of the football team of Generic Red Rival School #1. Students would probably get so upset that he would have to leave and go eat some sad pizza.

9.) D. Royster Harper:
Evil twin of living legend E. Royster Harper, D. Royster Harper stands for the opposite of everything that E. Royster Harper does. If D. Royster Harper comes to campus, she would bring nothing but untimely emails, a terrible name, and bushes instead of bathrooms.

8.) Ronald Weiser:
Ronald Weiser has brought nothing but shame to our university. What was once a disgusting building with the name of a university hero is now a disgusting building with someone who has been trying way too hard to be affiliated with the university. Everyone knows you suck, Ronnie. The first time you lost the election for Regent should have told you that. At least we know that he’s good at using money to gain political influence so- oh wait, that’s not a good thing. #NeverForgetNeverForgive

7.) The architect who designed the Mason Hall stairs:
Whoever this is, go to hell. Your stairs, while using building space incredibly efficiently, are degrading the health of the students. By the time we get to our classes on the third floor of Mason, we’re ready to die. But ready to die physically, we’re always ready to die emotionally.

6.) John O’Korn:
Let’s be honest, that OSU game was atrocious. Brandon Peters is our new Lord and Savior. Sorry, O’Korn, but you have earned the spot of controversial figure in University of Michigan history.

5.) Anybody who thinks that weed is bad:
If someone came to AA thinking that weed is bad for you, they’d be run out of town. All you have to do to realize that it’s great is go to Hash Bash. If you think weed is bad for you, you’ll have quite the rude awakening once you see a 40-year old man hold up a sign that says “WEED KILLS CANCER”. The sheer medical truth of that statement is so shocking that it can change the minds of anyone.

4.) CC Little:
Not only would this be a shock since he’s been dead for a while, but he was also the President of the American Eugenics Society. Not ok to have on campus, but totally ok for a building name. Good call, administration.

3.) Dave Brandon:
After raising ticket prices and letting students play football when concussed, Brandon was run off campus, and hasn’t looked back. In fact, he’s only gone on to ruin other things. After he left U of M, he went on to become the CEO of Toys R Us and run them into the ground. Good call getting him out of campus, and would probably be a bad move to bring him back.

2.) Ted Kaczynski:
Kaczynski graduated from U of M with a PhD in Mathematics and went on to kill three people in an attempt to bring attention to his ideas about how awful modern society is. Looking at the current year, it’s pretty awful, but we wouldn’t recommend killing people over it.

1.) Literally anybody other than Spencer:
Richard Spencer believes in ethnic cleansing. Richard Spencer should not be allowed on this campus. In refusing to take a stand, the University has washed their hands of the matter and has shown that it cares more about being sued than the idea that its students have a right to exist. Go fuck yourself, Board of Regents.

This is not a laughing matter. This is a man who brings nothing but hatred wherever he goes, and violence generally follows him. The fact that our dick joke comedy website has to take a stand against white supremacy on our campus is disgusting. Get angry, go to Schlissel’s office and tell him that you’re mad as hell and you’re not gonna take it anymore. Let Schlissel know that the safety of its students should be the number one priority, not a court case. Sure. Spencer legally has the right to come here, but court cases are where the law gets changed. Take a stand and do something. It’s the least you can do.

 

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