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University of Michigan Basketball Team: We’re Still Relevant


ANN ARBOR – The University of Michigan Men’s Basketball team has a message to the world: They’re still relevant. At least, they say they are.


Mohammed-Ali Abdur-Rahkman, proud owner of the coolest name of all time, said that he’s sick of Harbaugh madness. “I mean [Harbaugh] is cool and all, but like, we’re cool too. It’d be nice to have someone watch us once in a while. We’ve got a 28-game win streak but the stadium is still empty. I don’t understand. Maybe we need a coach that wins games and says random shit.”


However, at every game there is at least one fan: Jeff, the office manager of the athletic department. “I just love coming here and seeing all of my hard work come to fruition. It’s kind of sad that nobody comes, but I have fun. I get free tickets, so I might as well use them. I always make sure to use my Michigan Lights App at the games too. My coworker Tim made it. He’s pretty cool. Sometimes he comes to the games too, but he hasn’t downloaded the app yet.” Jeff sits in Section 294 if anyone needs a buddy to watch the game with.


Coach Jim Beilein has tried to get more fans to the games by creating a personality similar to Harbaugh’s. It hasn’t worked. Coach Beilein has tried his hand at Twitter with terrible results. At 8:42 pm on December 23rd, he tweeted “Going to bed early to rest for tomorrow #enthusiasm #sports”. On January 5th, he sent a tweet not directed at anybody simply saying “Fuck YOU”. He refused to comment on if the tweet was directed at anybody.


The Athletic Department has enlisted the help of E. Royster Harper, Vice President of Student Life to get students excited about going to the games. However, the emails that she sent out did not include the phrase “use bathrooms, not bushes” so nobody paid attention. Said E. Royster, “Please go to the games. Wait, here take some tickets.” E. Royster then handed us tickets, which we promptly threw away.


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