With your usual Ann Arbor hookup either interning or home for the summer, finding a new fling wasn’t exactly easy. Now that you’ve actually found one, here are some simple tips to keep them in their place and ensure they know they mean absolutely nothing to you beyond their body.
7.) Call them the wrong name in bed at least four different times:
Nothing is sexier than being called the completely wrong name. Their name is Ally, and you called them Sydney — big deal. They’ll understand how completely expendable they are by the fourth time you get their name wrong. Throw a “Nick” or something in there to really spice things up.
6.) Leave immediately after sex, always:
Make sure you have an excuse for why you can’t stay over, no matter the occasion. You can’t lead them on by overstaying your visit! Sure, maybe it’s their birthday party, or their aunt’s funeral, but they have all their friends to take care of them when they get too drunk, so why stick around? You got your nut. Show up, have sex, and then bounce. If they’re at your place, remind them that they “know where the door is.”
5.) When they ask you to meet their parents, fake your own death:
The last thing you need is Mr. and Mrs. Commitment ruining your reputation just because you’ve emotionally strung their daughter along while viewing her as nothing more than an object. In fact, you’d RATHER die than shake her father’s hand and go for, like, coffee or something. You’re too into yourself to die literally, so instead go off the grid immediately. Turn your read receipts off and change your name.
4.) Turn every conversation into a sexual innuendo, no matter the context:
So, their cat just died, but how can you make that about you? Hit them with the, “Man, your cat is dead, but mine’s feeling a bit dead right now without you in it *wink*.” Nothing shows you care more than sending back your condolences via Snapchat nudes.
3.) Playfully push them into oncoming traffic:
Oh my god, they’re talking about how much they like you again. Yikes. Better turn on the ol’ switcheroo: “God, isn’t that dog across the street a cutie?” you say. When they go to cross the street to go see it, give them a gentle push in the right direction. Oh look! A bus! Can’t send you cutsey texts if both of their arms are broken.
2.) Leave your sex toys on the nightstand, and add more each time they visit:
Prove that you really don’t need another living, breathing body with a the presence of a fleshlight. Talk to them about how you got it custom made and your name engraved on the side so people know it’s yours. When they make some bizarre comments about how they should be enough for you, just give them a look like they’re the weird one.
1.) Start a rumor that you have herpes:
You obviously didn’t get it from them, but when they hear from Jessica in Alpha Fry that you’re infected, you better believe they’ll think you’re getting around. Use a little less cologne than usual, and constantly complain about how much it burns when you pee. Nothing screams sexual liberation like genital warts.
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