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10 People You’ll Meet on the Green Line

Evey Gopher soon learns that the UMN Green Line is a complex ecosystem of character archetypes all vying to make your trips more interesting. Thankfully, The Black Sheep has successfully documented and analyzed this ecosystem to help you navigate through this awkward, shocking and vaguely smelly situation whenever you need to.

10.) The Loud Music Players:
Delighting in emitting excessively loud rap and pop music, these frequent denizens of the Green Line are so in-tuned to their surroundings that they will space themselves out within Green Line cars to ensure that there is a constant cacophony of sound throughout the entire train. Do not try to provoke them by asking them to turn the music down or, God forbid, put in earbuds. They will stubbornly insist that the noise is “lit” and/or “fire.”

9.) The Bikers:
The bikers form a symbiotic relationship with their means of transportation and must often paradoxically use the Green Line as a means of transporting their transportation. Though they should only take up twice as much space on the train as the average person, like S-shaped pieces in Tetris, they are constantly blocking the exits and stairs of the trains with startling skill.

8.) Your Drunk “Best Friends”:
Made friendlier, and often hornier by high levels of alcohol, these specimens have convinced themselves that any given person within reach is exceptionally fascinating. Do not try to flee too quickly or they may become upset and disturbed. Calmly get off at the next station, dash into a new car, and hope that a new one isn’t there waiting for you.

7.) The Backpackers:
A close family member of the biker, the backpacker consistently manages to take up twice as much seating space than the average person. Usually due to their overstuffed backpacks or duffel bags. Their highly territorial nature and fierce sense of pride in their belongings makes reasoning with them unlikely at best. They’ll gladly see an old woman sitting on the ground before giving up the adjacent seat.

6.) The MN Sports Fans:
Though there are subtypes within this group based on their team of choice, these denizens are easily identified by their colorful, overbearing sports regalia. Usually male, bald/balding, overweight, middle-aged, and highly Midwestern. The sports fan is thankfully pleasant and quiet, moving in small herds of like-minded individuals. Though, wearing anything resembling a rival team’s colors may lead to confrontation.

5.) The “Chemically Enlightened”:
Distant cousins of the drunk “best friend,” the “chemically enlightened” have achieved a higher plane of social existence due to the ingesting or injecting of magical substances. Normal human emotions, reservations, and cultural norms have no effect on them. They are easily detected by their unintelligible shouts and piss smell; avoid eye contact at all costs.

4.) The Feasters:
Having forfeited the opportunity to eat somewhere more comfortable or cleaner, the feaster will devour whatever brand of fast food they have acquired before and during their Green Line commute. The feaster is responsible for the various trash and food remains found caked between the seats and in corners of the floor on any given Green Line. Their feeding noises have been known to produce nausea and retching in most modest human beings.

3.) The Lovey Couples:
While the average human bonding pair may hold hands or look at one phone instead of two on the train, the lovely couple is more inclined towards physical contact, including hugging, kissing, groping, and fondling. Shameless in their endeavors, the only thing separating a public train seat from a private queen-sized bed for these train-goers is the relative time of day and their shared level of intoxication.

2.) The Anime Protagonists:
Distinguished by their long trenchcoats, brightly colored hair, and brooding dispositions, the anime protagonist stands alone on the train, so distanced from the lowly affairs of the world. They have various missions to undertake, whether it’s saving the planet from sexy demons or protecting the virginities of weeaboos everywhere. 

1.) The Brawlers:
Once in a blue moon, competing Green Line archetypes will devolve into maddened berserkers who watched Fight Club once and have taken it upon themselves to prove their mettle. Since the average Minnesotan is either so overweight they can hardly lift their bodies or so brittle they could get blown over by a strong wind, the average brawl will last only a couple of minutes before tiring. During which time other commuters will either scream, take bets, or cheer at their favored champion. 

 

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