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5 Better Things for Gophers to Stuff Their Turkey With

Going home for Turkey Day is lit because you get to eat your family’s REAL FOOD! But let’s be real. That Stove Top dressing bullshit is nasty AF and completely unnecessary, even if it’s traditional Thanksgiving fare. The Black Sheep has brainstormed a list of things to stuff your turkey with that’s more suitable for those of us in the frozen north.

5.) Ramen:
No college diet is complete (or not complete) without the salty carcinogen that is prepacked ramen. Probably, the most exotic thing you have paired it with is an egg, so it only makes sense for you to use the turkey. Whether you want to cook it or leave it dry before you stuff it into the greasy crevices of a dead bird is up to you, but take comfort in the familiar taste of crippling student debt and vitamin deficiency.

4.) Grain Belt:
Maybe you drink Hamm’s more often than The Grain, but if you like yourself even a little, pick the latter. We’re not actually sure how this one is accomplished. Do you stuff a full can in there? Do you use the turkey as an elaborate, steaming pitcher for your bitter hops? After a couple o’ beers, the answer will surely come to you, as will the ability to ignore your racist uncle’s ramblings about the crooked Left.

3.) Snow:
Everyone loves seasonal items, especially those that are cheap and easy to find! Not only is snow a symbol of the Minnesota winter, it can serve a dual purpose and cool down the unfathomably hot bird straight outta the oven. If there’s no snow on the ground, ice will do. This is good practice for when the apocalypse comes and your refrigerator breaks. Be practical AND resourceful!

2.) Mesa:
Your favorite drunk food has its place in your Thanksgiving feast, too! Turn the ultimate cheat day into a somehow more-artery-clogging cheat day complete with self-loathing. With all those carbs in the mac-n-cheese pizza, you’ll be able to run a marathon! Tell yourself that as you pass out on the floor with your belt undone.

1.) Tater tot hotdish:
Uff da. Is any standard Minnesota meal complete without the delicious clusterfuck that is tater tot hotdish? Maybe, but just imagine the greasy potatoes soaking up the fat from the turkey, and how much your body is going to shriek in protest as you continue to shovel something that calorie-dense into it. Really, this is a genius move, because you could eat a couple servings of this and then not have to eat anything else for 2 weeks.

Don’t worry if you’re looking forward to Thanksgiving day but not the stuffing – there are a ton of better things to use instead. Customize your feast, but don’t sue us if you die of heart failure or a burst stomach.

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