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5 UMN Gems Freshmen Will Never Know

As a new crowd of freshmen get comfy with campus, it’s important to examine what a new year brings. Freshmen have been herded around campus and inundated with campus fun facts for all of Welcome Week, but they are too young n’ dumb to acknowledge just how much the U has changed. As they enjoy their new independence, here are 5 things freshmen will never appreciate like their better, smarter, more experienced upperclassmen.

5.) Cheaper tuition:
Sorry kiddos, just one year too shy to know the sweet, sweet extra cha-ching before the 10% tuition hike. Before this year, students could still treat themselves to crippling student debt, but at least they had an extra 10% to spend on boozy fishbowls at B-Loco. Freshmen and future freshmen are now stuck footing the bill for the new Athlete’s Village, and probably P.J. Fleck’s salary, without being able to get plastered on the regular. But hey, at least a minuscule population of the U gets something out of it!

4.) Old Pioneer Hall:
As the University’s first dormitory, the shit hole that was Pioneer Hall was home to the smallest hallways, jankiest bathrooms, shoe boxes for rooms, and that old musty smell of books and old people sweaters. Now that Pio is being renovated, not only do these lucky, piece-of-shit freshmen never have to experience the smelly wave of moth balls that hit you upon entering the building, but they’re being placed into lavish apartments with full kitchens, and bathrooms for 2 people instead of 20, to make up for the lack of housing. Enjoy the in-unit washer and dryers, and never having to know how much body hair can accumulate in a community bathroom, snowflakes.

3.) Mariucci actually being Mariucci:
Now that 3M bought the complex, its name is changing. Granted, it will always be Mariucci until the sophomores die out and become washed-up frat boys and girls. The possible name change could confuse the feeble minds of freshmen, who look up to their older cohorts. Where will the freshmen turn up if some upperclassmen says, “See ya at Mariucci!” It’s possible they don’t even know what The Barn is. How will they show up messy drunk at sporting events while still learning their limits? Perhaps all the name changes are part of a very intelligent plan to keep incoherent freshmen out. Suckers.

2.) Tate Hall construction:
The class of 2021 will never have to undergo navigating the Mall with half its sidewalk closed off, cramming kids into the side where the Smith Hall preacher guy stands and spouts his prophecies. Not only did this make for some uncomfortable shoulder brushes with people who don’t use deodorant, but students who would’ve been in Tate were displaced all over East Bank and packed in like sardines into the top floor of Lind Hall. Freshmen will be blind to the luxuries of their newly renovated dorms and buildings, with actual buildings for all departments. They’ll never be tough and rough it, sweating through physics lectures.

1.) DrunkDonald’s:
The Dinkytown McDonald’s has been advertising their newest feat, a new delivery service, so the days of DrunkDonald’s may be over. Freshmen will now just order their drunk midnight 10 piece chicken nugget rather than experiencing the whole new world of DrunkDonald’s, and standing shoulder to shoulder with fellow drunk people and being herded into lines by bouncers. Yes freshmen, you read that right, our McDonald’s needs bouncers. So try to fight your self-loathing and get up off the couch to experience the wonders of being hustled in or out and leaving your water bottles at the door.

Freshmen, as you continue to discover the U, just know it’s changed in many ways since before you were even here, and ways that you, unfortunately, will never know. 

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