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The 5 Types of Incoming UMN Freshmen

Going back to school in the fall means there’s an entire new species roaming campus: freshmen. These college newbies bring an entirely new character to campus with their own obnoxious personalities. Here are the five different types of freshmen creatures you will see as the new school year begins.

5.) The Party Mess:
The Party Mess is everywhere because they are always stumbling around like a drunkard. Before classes even start, they will find their way to frat row every night. They overlook the fact that college is an opportunity for wholesome life experiences and a rewarding education, but rather they see it as an opportunity for endless keg stands and shots of fireball. Good luck ever finding one of these kids sober.

4.) The Preppy Go-Getter:
This person is so overwhelmingly excited for all of the amazing opportunities for them at the U that it almost makes you want to slam your head through one of the last standing brick walls of Tate Lab, making it all come crumbling down. They are so prepared to join the Getting Ahead in Life Club, as well as the I’m Doing Life Better Than You Debate Team, all while getting straight A’s (duh). The Preppy Go-Getter comes into first week classes ready to take over as student body president. You can’t miss this obnoxious piece of shit.

3.) The High School Mourner:
These kids are blinded by the thought that high school is the best four years of their life and they can’t seem to move on from that. They are easily identified because they often start conversations with, “This one time, in high school…”.They refuse to conform to anything college life has to offer, and instead sulk in their dorm room while wearing their prized letter jacket and listening to their hometown’s school song on repeat.

2.) The Questionable Loner:
These kids sit in the dining hall by themselves, go to class by themselves, or sit in their dorm like a hermit, keeping their oversized headphones hugged tightly around their head and avoiding all eye contact with any other living thing. Everyone questions what the hell they’re even doing here (including themselves). They are so introverted that they almost seem inhuman. Props to you if you ever find yourself in a conversation with one of these loners.

1.) The Obnoxious Geek:
These kids are complete nerds when it comes to academics and they want you to know it. They will make sure you know that they are so much smarter than you by randomly asking you trivia questions in order to test your knowledge on subjects you could care less about, which eventually makes your self-esteem plummet god awfully quickly. These geeks are often found wearing the first week UMN lanyard that they never take off their neck and hauling a massive pile of textbooks everywhere they go. They tend to speak to everyone that isn’t on their level of intelligence as if they are speaking to an idiot child. Avoiding eye contact and ignoring their trivia questions is a suitable way to avoid these geeks.

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