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How to Fight Your Way Out of Ticket Checks on the Light Rail

 

Public transportation is expensive. Well, no it isn’t, but that doesn’t mean you can always be bothered to pay for it. If you haven’t hopped at least a few free stops on the Light Rail before, you’re basically throwing your money into a ditch. Not paying for shit is your God given right, and if any of those ticket checking fascists on the Light rail try to bring you down there’s a simple yet elegant solution: desperate physical assault.

Karate Chop:

The classic. It’s not so much the physical force that’s effective, but rather the invoking a strong sense of pity in the officer as well as everyone else on the train. It’ll slowly dawn on you that the karate lessons you took in kindergarten don’t apply in real life. They’ll know you didn’t pay but they’ll be too disappointed to care. Bonus points if you yell “Hiyah!” Pathetic.

Eye Gouge:

Here we fucking go, this is where it starts to get real. Nobody said any of this was going to be pretty. Even if the officer somehow has the presence of mind to check your ticket afterward, you know he won’t be able to read it. Check mate.

Rear Naked Choke:

Emphasis on the naked-rear here. Even if the officer sees through the shock factor of a pants-less man choking himself on the morning train there’s an easy out. Just mention you left your ticket in your pants. Ya know, the ones you left at home.

Groin Attack:

Simple and effective, but also a very tame way to describe a messed up thing to do to a person. But listen, if you could afford to pay $2.75 every day you might as well be taking a yacht to work. You can’t afford not to attack that public servants genitals in the name of saving a few bucks.

Spinning Axe Kick:

There’s no way you’ll actually pull this off, in fact if you could there’s no reason you’d be reading this guide (but it’s still pretty badass to think about). If you do attempt this for some reason, you’ll at least have a cool story to tell the nurse while you’re handcuffed to a hospital bed.

Love:

Any loser can slap fight their way out of a ticket check, but the only real way to stick it to the man is by establishing a sacred bond of love based on trust and mutual respect. It’ll start off slow, you’ll meet each other through mutual friends, grab coffee here and there, share a few laughs, but nothing serious. You ask them out on a whim and soon you spend every waking moment together. And when you both pass silently in your sleep at the ripe old age of 102, succeeded by seventeen beautiful grandchildren, you can die truly peacefully with the knowledge that you didn’t have to pay that fucking ticket.

Moral of the story is, you’re broke. So when you’re standing there with your ass out, choking a an officer, just remember that after doing it enough times you’ll have saved enough to buy yourself some Chipotle.

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