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6 Rational New Year’s Resolutions For Every Gopher

This past year was rough to say the least. Between Kaler’s disregard for the needs of UMN students and the shameful light cast upon UMN in national news thanks to the Gopher football team, it may seem difficult to be hopeful in the new year. Albeit, a new year still requires some sort of new resolutions. So here is a list of some more rational resolutions that every UMN student can use.

6.) Go to the Rec Once a Week:

This resolution is straightforward, so don’t overthink it. You don’t have to go there to use the fancy elliptical machines and eerily-long track; the $60 million rec center includes a quaint but cozy lobby area for couch potatoes alike to congregate and do nothing. It’s the perfect space to take a nap by the fireplace or kick back and brag about your whereabouts on Facebook. #NewYearSameMe.

5.) Get Out of Your Comfort Zone by Trying Centen’s “Ethnic” Foods:

Toward the end of last semester you found comfort in the corn dogs and cookies during Late Night as you crammed for your dreadful finals. Now that the pain of semesters past is gone, you might be feeling like trying something new in the dining hall, like “Mucho Nachos” or “Blackened Striped Pangasius.” Look at you, you cultured college student.

4.) Start a Petition to Rename Bruininks:

Let’s admit it: Bruininks will never catch on as the name of a building that elder UMN students refuse to identify as anything other than STSS. Both names suck, so why not create a brand new name for the highly-debated structure? A petition like this will surely catch fire quicker than a bag of overcooked popcorn in Middlebrook.


3.) Be Adventurous and Go See What the Hell is Over on the St. Paul Campus:

St. Paul Campus seems to be the UMN version of Narnia where tree hugging and redneck students claim to come from. While you may never have any reason to visit that neck of the woods, you have the opportunity and at least the slightest bit of curiosity. Hop on the Campus Connector for a little adventure over to the mysterious campus where you will find a bunch of adorable livestock, a Bee Lab full of thousands of different bees, and a unique breed of freshmen who are burnt out on riding the Campus Connector and having no social life.

2.) Finally Figure Out How to Use the Gopher Way:

In the midst of the absolute worst time of year where we reach 30 below temperatures, your parka and snowshoes aren’t able to keep up with the terrible weather. You might as well figure out the confusing tunnel system on campus. Of course, this will most likely serve you best if you solely travel amongst science buildings. Looks like only nerds will be keeping warm this winter.

1.) Stop Shitting on Kaler’s Life so Much and Give Him a Little More Credit:

We here at The Black Sheep are no strangers to picking on Kaler’s weaknesses from time to time buuuuuut it’s a new year so we ought to treat him a bit better. Show your appreciation for his hard work by delivering a bouquet of roses, a box of chocolates, and a male stripper straight to his office in Morrill Hall. He will surely appreciate this “too kind” of a gesture.

With so many reasonable and entertaining ways to change up your routine in 2017, this year will definitely be an eventful one at UMN.

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