In case you haven’t heard, recently Kaler dropped some hints about a tuition hike. On top of the arm and leg we’re already paying to ruin our sleep schedule and experience crippling existential dread, yearly costs could rise as much as 2.5% for resident students and 10% for non-residents. That works out to about an extra $346 and $2,226, respectively, and we here at The Black Sheep are having a moment of silence tomorrow for our non-resident pals. If you need help quantifying exactly what this cost will do to you, take a look at what sorts of things that amount could translate into.
7.) Mesa Pizza:
Residents: 85 slices
Non-residents: 543 slices
To clarify, that’s not just the boring old cheese/pepperoni, it’s the fancy-ass Mesa specialty pizza. Dropping $4.10 on a mashed potato-chicken pizza slice might only sound good if you’re drunk, but just think if you did it over 100 times.
6.) UV Cake:
Residents: 35 handles
Non-residents: 222 handles
This was the price at Dinkytown Wine & Spirits last time we went, NOT Val-U Liquors. We’re not sure why one might hoard that many handles of UV Cake like a little kid at a birthday party, but without a tuition hike this could be a possibility. Although, having that much UV Cake doesn’t even sound good in theory. Maybe not having that money would be a good thing.
5.) Rush-hour Light Rail Tickets:
With this tuition hike, gone will be the days when you can pop on down to the Gay 90’s or First Ave for a little Friday evening stress relief. If you’re that dick that just hops on the Green Line and doesn’t pay (okay, that’s most of us), know that you could only pay that $180 fine once if you’re a resident. If you’re one of those otherwise shafted non-residents, you could do it a dozen times!
4.) Student Tickets at St. Anthony Main Theatre:
If you’re sick of seeing the latest flicks at Coffman and want to get off campus, you can hit up St. Anthony Main for a quaint, just sketchy-enough-to-keep-an-eye-on-your-wallet vibe. Take that scenic walk along the river now, before the tuition hike robs you of the opportunity to see weird arthouse films and smell the lingering odor of clove cigarettes in the bathroom.
3.) Chicken Burritos at Chipotle:
Let’s be real, even if you’re markedly poorer as a result of the hike, you’re still gonna fork over that $6.50, even if you have to work an extra shift a week to make up for it. Maybe you’ll even splurge on -gasp- guac.
2.) Pages of On-campus Printing:
At 10 cents a page, printing study guides, practice exams, and memes at Walter or Wilson can add up to a good number of smackeroos. That Gopher Gold you’ve allocated for the sake of black-and-white compressed image quality and fucked up toner cartridges will be gone. You’ll have to dip into your booze fund to print off your lab report.
1.) Textbooks for a Semester:
Residents: Not enough money
Non-Residents: Just enough money
One of the worst parts of the semester is shambling about in the bookstore, grumbling, as you grudgingly pick up your stack of books that are somehow worth more per ounce than silver. You’ll be lacking in those funds to buy books that will ultimately end up collecting dust or propping up your TV. Good luck!
Even if we pay obscene amounts of money for our probably useless degrees, we should maybe count ourselves lucky for the time being. We just might have to get used to a world with fewer slices of Mesa and an increased risk of getting fined by Metro Transit.
WATCH: Trump’s latest plan may be the most controversial.