So, you were lucky enough to make it on the list for an ~exclusive~ party at some frat. Are the movies true? Will you be approached by the partner of your dreams while less desirable frat bros get up to wacky, stupid hijinks in the meantime? The answer is no, frat parties are as exhausting as going up the stairs in Bruininks. There are, however, a handful of thoughts you will probably have before or upon being ejected onto University Avenue at 3 A.M.
7.) “It’s actually hotter than hell in here”:
Lucifer and Beelzebub have been known to chill at a Greek Life event once in a while, and not because they’re prone to snapping and/or receiving unsolicited dick pics. Parties usually run at a toasty one-hundred-and-eighty degrees Fahrenheit and can sometimes get hot enough to boil water in the cold Minnesota winter.
6.) “Where are Seth Rogen and James Franco?”:
Amid the drunken debauchery and cacophony, you just might expect Hollywood’s two favorite bros to make an appearance at Alpha Zeta Zeta dressed as caricatures of our beloved Goldy. Joke’s on you, though. Tonight’s destined to just be your bog-standard party, sorry.
5.) “These guys are well-off, right? Why can’t they afford anything better than Karkov?”:
Nice, you found the bar. Your choices are either Hamm’s or vodka from a plastic bottle. These guys are going to keep the glass-bottled liquor for themselves and give shitty freshmen the ten-dollar swill. At least for you, there’s nowhere to go but up. You’ll save a meal by not having to go to Centen tomorrow for brunch, so who’s the real winner here?
4.) “It smells exactly like a middle school locker room in here”:
Even when an entire house is packed to the gills with randos, there’s somehow ample opportunity for the cloying scents of Old Spice and Axe to embed themselves in your nostrils. Perhaps these men will never learn. Perhaps this is what old-folks homes are going to smell like 60 years from now.
3.) “This jungle juice looks weird”:
If the punch smells like cats and barf or looks especially yellow, maybe it’s best to stay away. Actually, take it from us, just stay away from the jungle juice. Ambrosia does exist in the world, but it’s almost always in the form of water on a Sunday morning, not the clusterfuck of mysterious solutions in the dank basement of a frat house.
2.) “I wish Stranger Things was up already”:
Netflix made us wait over a year for the second season of everyone’s favorite thriller. If you’re getting tired, you might find yourself wanting to do some things that are more relaxing than listening to dudes trying to start “WHO HATES IOWA!?” in a basement. Maybe you should go back to Superblock and binge some Netflix instead.
1.) “When is this marker going to come off my hand?”:
It is widely known that after a nuclear apocalypse, cockroaches will be unaffected and continue to scurry about being gross, as will Lindsay Lohan. A lesser-known factoid is that after all our corpses are burnt to an unrecognizable crisp, the Xs marked on our hands from frat parties will miraculously remain against the backdrop of charred “Ski-U-Mah” signs and front lawns peppered with empty beer cans.
Your year will inevitably be full of firsts, and if you decide to go to a party on Frat Row you are in for a myriad of experiences. Be smart, be savvy, and don’t do anything we wouldn’t do.