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Breaking News: Bailey Hall Sinks into the Earth, No One Notices

THE RESIDENCE HALL FORMERLY KNOWN AS “BAILEY HALL”, ST. PAUL — Last week, an email was sent out to the entire University of Minnesota community, announcing that Bailey Hall randomly sunk into the earth. According to the email, officials are unsure of how long the time was between when the building’s sinking and when its absence was noticed. However, current investigations into the disappearance estimate that the building had been submerged in a giant sinkhole for at least 2 weeks. Luckily, no students or farm animals were in the building at the time of its disappearance.


The individual who first noticed the absence of Bailey Hall was Lancaster Lorca, an undecided freshman in CLA who alerted campus police of the vanishing residence hall. According to the official police report titled “We Have A Sinking Feeling About This,” Lorca stumbled upon the Saint Paul campus last Friday night after falling asleep on the Campus Connector. “I’m gonna be honest here, I wasn’t even sure that there was a campus in Saint Paul,” said Lorca. “I was just trying to get from my class on West Bank to SuperBlock, but I fell asleep and was suddenly transported into a mysterious barren wasteland. The Saint Paul campus was so gloomy that I thought I pulled a reverse Wizard of Oz and landed in Kansas!”


Allegedly, Lorca stumbled off the Connector, groggy and confused, when he noticed the corner of a sign poking out of the mud. After uncovering the sign and realizing that it said “Bailey Hall,” he knew something wasn’t right.


As Lorca attempted to find information about the disappearance of Bailey Hall, he discovered that everyone either had no idea that Bailey Hall was gone or didn’t care.


“Everything in St. Paul looks abandoned and forsaken,” said a Campus Connector driver. “I may have noticed that the residence hall sunk, but I didn’t think that was any different than how it was supposed to be.”


“Actually, I did see the building sink into the ground,” said Patricia, a cow who lives in St. Paul. “I can’t tell you when it was, though, because all my days are so boring and hopeless that they melt into each other like butter from my teats. Honestly, I was happy when I saw that building sink into the earth. It gave me hope that the handful of annoying humans would leave St. Paul farm country and stop letting greasy freshmen look at us for ‘science’.”


After two days of walking and fanaticizing about becoming the king of the St. Paul animals, Lorca found another human being on Sunday morning, and news finally reached civilized society.


Officials investigating the disappearance of Bailey Hall concluded that the building did likely sink that weekend. “It totally makes sense that the building could disappear unnoticed on the weekends. Technically, I live in Bailey Hall but I hardly spend any time there,” said Terri Terryl, a sophomore studying fashion merchandising. “Honestly, I would rather be caught wearing a fringed cowboy jacket, a sequin-covered body suit, and Crocs with an 80’s perm than be seen spending my weekend nights in Saint Paul.”


In response to the complete obliviousness in regard to the loss of a residence hall, the University of Minnesota Police Department has started #ByeBailey on Twitter to encourage students to remember that there are more residence halls besides SuperBlock and 17th. Some featured tweets that have used the hashtag include:


“Is Bailey hall the one that looked like a barn? #ByeBailey”
“#ByeBailey? Bailey’s in my liquor cabinet! AM I RITEEEE? Hehehehe”
“I think Saint Paul campus lost a pig! His name was Bailey! RIP! #ByeBailey”
“I don’t care about Saint Paul campus. LOWER OUR TUITION GODDAMMIT! #ByeBailey”


No plans have been made to rebuild Bailey Hall or even create a memorial plaque to commemorate its existence. Just like the rest of the Saint Paul campus, Bailey Hall will be easily forgotten. Unless Lorca decides to build an empire of cattle.

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