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Buildings Of UMN: Real Life Stories if Brick Could Talk

Humans of New York photographs thousands of New Yorkers on the street and shares stories of their personal struggles of everyday life. The Black Sheep decided to interview the honorable buildings of UMN, new and old. These buildings have experienced the unimaginable, the inconceivable, the incredible struggles that us students have often completely ignored because we’re all guilty of not frequently checking in on our campus buildings. 

Without further ado, here are captivating and heart-wrenching stories of UMN buildings:

Name: Rarig Theatre Arts & Dance Center
Age: 46
Home Address: West Bank
“Who am I? Who am I?! Well, let me tell you the half of it. I’m concrete, cold, and discolored. I’ve been called a “menacing, brutalist building” and “the strongest architectural statement on the West Bank campus,” but just because you’re strong, does not mean you’re aesthetically pleasing. Let’s face it, we all know that I’m ugly af. Ralph Rapson can suck it. What, I’m dramatic, okay?” Rarig Center then proceeded to whip out a top hat and cane and performed a small, but impressive tap dance solo.

Name: Armory
Age: 121
Home Address: East Bank
Armory salutes, drops and gives 20 and flexes. “ATTEEEEEENTION! I’m Armory, but you can address me as Top Dog Dawg. Write that down. I hold the school’s finest and strongest ROTC students. Did you write that down? Good. And could you respond to me with “yes sir” the next time I ask you a question? Thank you. Anyway, what more is there to say? I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free. Write that down, I just made that up now.” Armory then began to recite The Pledge of Allegiance but forgot the rest of it after the first 6 words.

Name: Animal Waste Treatment Center
Age: “I don’t give it out”
Home Address: St. Paul
“I did not choose this life. Repeat, I did not choose this life. I am associated with waste. I’m called the Manure Master. Rectum Royalty. Ass Kabob Authority. Stanky Pebbles Supremacy. Real talk, I went to college for creative writing, and this is what I get? I get shit from cows. I get shit from pigs. I get shit from students who think they can take a quick dooky and get away with it. And that’s not the end of it. Then that shit is just taken from me and used as compost on campus field plots. No one ever cares to give me a medal for what I go through.”

Name: Eddy Hall
Age: 131
Home Address: East Bank
Eddy Hall adjusts his monocle and smokes his pipe. Eddy Hall speaks in a British accent but has no actual affiliation with Great Britain. “Why yes, I am also known as Sir Edward Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Hall, thank you for asking. I may be as old as Betty White, but my spirit is as young as a typewriter. I appreciate the students who care to bow before me before entering my kingdom, but those who don’t bow before me will… will… will – ”
(RIP Eddy Hall, 1886 – 2017)

Name: Moos Tower
Age: 43
Home Address: East Bank
“I’m 19-stories high and I look like one of those Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em robots AND I’ve got a sweet-ass tunnel system all up in my business. Wassup. Fight me. Anyway, I don’t really know what to say about me. I guess I provide. I really provide. I provide for dental implants, root canals, gum disease, you name it. Oh, and you’re damn right I can dunk – I am the tallest building on campus.”

These characters stand tall and proud on the grounds of UMN. Students walk in and out of these buildings every day, and like campus itself, they each have a personality of their own. 


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