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Campus Braces For Wave of Freshmen Trying to Prove They Can Drink

As the University of Minnesota semester begins, thousands of freshmen will be joining the university, filling the enrollment gap the graduating class left behind. But sadly these freshmen will not be able to compensate for the one skill every senior (except those social anomalies) had: Drinking mass quantities of liquor that rival the number of women Charlie Sheen has had sex with.

 

While some freshmen interviewed by The Black Sheep expressed “excitement” at the prospect of college, seasoned UMN students wouldn’t mind keeping them locked up until they mentally matured past high school. “Look, after Welcome Week all these freshmen find their way to my house parties. I don’t know who tells them about it, but they find my house,” Dinkytown resident and biology sophomore Mike Livitman said. “They always talk about how they can handle their alcohol then, after literally one beer, they need to call the Gopher Chauffeur.”

 

“Really I feel bad for some of the freshmen who never drank before coming to college. They’re losers now, and in the coming weeks they’ll be drunk losers who can’t handle it,” said Alpha Beta Kappa member Emily Nickson. She appeared resigned to the fact that at some point she might have to come in contact with these students.  

 

“These people are such a hassle,” Nick Romeros said, “as a security monitor I’m obliged to report them for drinking, but they act like I’m actually a cop. Sometimes I go along with it and make them buy me donuts.” 

 

But while others wait for the storm to pass, some actively prepare for it. “I just can’t wait to deal with these drunk-as-f*** freshmen,” Community Advisor Yantang Sunn said. “I like to go into their rooms, just because I hear people talking loudly, and freak them out when they have liquor in the room. I just love the feeling of busting their good times, it’s, I mean—gotta get your rocks off somehow.” Yantang later admitted that had she ever had an emotional connection with another human being, she wouldn’t mind the freshmen drinking. 

 

Though these young Gophers grouse and prepare, many freshmen suffer the most from their perceived status of being the ultimate lightweights. “I’m just trying to have a good time before school gets serious and I make stupid sexual mistakes I will cringe at later,” Samantha Voneget said, adding, “What sucks is many of my friends don’t have good liquor connections so that’s why we’re always game for shots of Fleischmann’s at parties.”  

 

While the campus was readying itself for a bumpy few weeks of the semester, one thing was clear to all. By the time the freshmen graduate from the University of Minnesota they will all be functioning alcoholics. “As long as it’s in college it’s okay, right?” said some drunk passerby.

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