Citing an appreciation for the culture and “the best Mexican food outside Chipotle,” Carlson sophomore Brent Reynolds eagerly discussed the details of his upcoming spring break trip to Cancun.
“People think that it’s just a big party city where college students go to get lit and laid on the beach, you know? But really there’s a lot to do besides engaging in a week-long hedonistic binge so perverse that it would make the Marquis de Sade blush,” Reynolds said. “There’s this big music festival with DJ’s from all over, plus I hear Lil Jon is gonna be there this year. It’s a real Mexican experience.”
This will be Reynolds’ second visit to Cancun, who was convinced to head there last spring break by his Carlson student mentor, senior Taylor Lazonick.
“Once Brent knew more about the Underwater Museum, the Riviera Maya Jazz Festival, and the near constant opportunities for anonymous, drugged up sex, I had him hooked,” Lazonick recounted. “Get this: he was originally going to spend his time at home looking for internships and volunteering or something. As if that would help his resume like a Cancun trip could?! I invited him to tag along with my buddies and the rest is history.”
Reynolds recounts bonding with his CSOM brothers over activities like windsurfing, snorkeling, and nearly burning down their hotel room while trying to imitate a club bartender and light their drinks on fire.
“A lotta people criticize spring breakers for being clueless, trashy tourists, but there’s so much cool cultural stuff too,” Reynolds said. “There are these sweet ancient Mayan ruins which are great for sight-seeing and pre-gaming and passing out on when you can’t find your way back to the hotel at 3 a.m. It’s like there’s all this neat stuff in the background that you just wouldn’t appreciate in places like Vegas and PCB.”
Reynolds is well known in Cancun for puking on a server last year after his 12th tequila shot. When asked if he thought that the permanent residents of Cancun might resent the frenzy of disorderly conduct and depraved activity in their city, Reynolds was quick to dismiss the idea.
“The locals are all super friendly and happy to see you,” Reynolds explained. “Last year I became great friends with this guy named Felipe. He would go out with us and sell drugs to students in nightclubs and steal wallets from dumb tourists when people weren’t looking. He was crazy fun to hang out with and loves Americans! Why would people like him spend time with us if we were all drunk assholes?”
Felipe confirmed in a phone interview that people in Cancun looked forward to spring break almost as much as American students do.
“It’s true, we love Americans in Cancun,” Felipe said eagerly. “Sure, they’re gross, disrespectful leeches and a drain on society, but spring break is our most profitable time of year by far. You know how much money those gringo’s leave lying around for anyone to take? And they spend so much on overpriced liquor and stupid music. I can make more money in a few weeks than I do in six months.”
“Man, Felipe is such a good businessman,” Reynolds declared with a glint of admiration in his eye. “People like him really show us Carlson values in action: great business opportunities can come from anywhere! I’m really excited to network with him this year, people like him are what Cancun is all about.”
At this point Lazonick walked up and slapped Reynolds’ ass before the two went off to their next class. Witnesses confirmed that they could be heard chanting “beach bitches” all the way up to the third floor before straightening their ties and entering their afternoon accounting lecture.
WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.